Dates From Hell Part III: The Shakespearean Alien‏

The third and final installment for “Dates From Hell” is by yet another one of my dear girl friends. This one is more like “The Relationship from Hell” (or from outer space), but it is also sadly true. I hope you enjoy this true horror story.

 The Shakespearean Alien

When Dr. Jekyll (the jack ass) met Fifi, there were no sparks; there were no rainbows (or fireworks or music or butterflies or anything) – there was a suicide threat. Let me explain, when Dr. Jekyll asked Fifi out on a date, Fifi refused, so Dr. Jekyll sent her a suicide message that went something like this:

My dearest Fifi,
From the moment I met you (24 hours ago), something changed in my heart, body, and soul. You have changed my life. My very existence depends on yours. In other words, if you do not want to exist in my life, I do not want to exist at all.
Yours truly,
Dr. Jekyll

Fifi was quite freaked out, but being the good-hearted (naive) person that she is, she agreed to go out on a date with him so that he refrains from committing suicide.

After their first (boring to death) date, Fifi decided that she will not go on date number 2 – she thanked Dr. Jekyll and explained to him that she does not want to date anyone at the moment.
Dr. Jekyll responded with yet another suicidal, pity-inducing message:

Dear Fifi,
How could you be so cruel? I have lost my will to live. I have succumbed to starvation as I sleep alone in the garage of my village home. I have come across photos and objects that reminded me of my childhood (huh?!). I would like to share them with you. I would like to rest my head on your lap and weep (yes folks, the dude said “weep”). It is now evident that this will never be possible so I bid you farewell as I will be leaving this world soon (yeah return to your planet you freak of nature).
Best Regards, 

Dr. Jekyll

Once again, Fifi the fool felt guilty and could not allow Dr. Jekyll to hurt himself and that is how their boring, longer than life relationship began (and never seemed to end). Fifi, who was known as the life of the party, became the most boring person on earth (to better suit Dr. Jekyll). She slowly lost all her friends, and this nourished the beast within Dr. Jekyll, preparing him to transform into Mr. Hyde.

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/news/la-wlooo/

 I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

Dates From Hell Part II: The Loser, Loner, Wannabe-Ghetto Boy

As men are proudly patting each other’s backs for being players and “maniaks”, I am busy spending long hours on the phone with my girl friends, laughing and listening to their horror stories about the not so “maniak” guys. This is Dates from Hell, Part II (also based on facts).

The Loser, Loner, Wannabe-Ghetto Boy

Feeling lonelier than ever, Marsha decided to take a different approach to dating. This time, with Jimbo, a guy younger than her by 7 years, who faked having everything from an education and a job, to a social life and friends. In other words, he is the real life version of the 40-year-old virgin (except he’s much younger, much uglier, and way higher on the loser scale).

Fast forward to the end of their terrific (a.k.a. horrific) first date (possibly Jimbo’s first date ever), Marsha tells Jimbo that she’d rather not go with him to the beach the next day because she is at that time of the month.

Jimbo: “WHAT?!?! Are you insulting my intelligence?!”

Marsha: “No I am not. Just go with your friends . . .”

Jimbo interrupts her by covering his ears and,

Jimbo: “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAA, I can’t hear youuuuu!”

Marsha blinks in awe as she holds back a chuckle.

Jimbo: “I don’t need to go with my friends, I don’t have or want any friends, I passed that stage already – you are my friend, Marsha, my best friend.”

Marsha is terrified at this point because she has finally realized the level of retardation she is dealing with.

Marsha: “Umm . . . ok, Jimbo, you’re going to drop me home now.”

Jimbo ignores her remark and drives her off to a distant remote area (possibly the ghetto where he was raised).

Jimbo: “Listen up YO, don’t you f*** with me now YO! I ain’t down with that, YO!

Marsha screams at the top of her lungs.
Jimbo finally drops her home.

Is it finally over? No.

 At a common friend’s wedding, Marsha arrives wearing a stunning dress, the venue is magical (like a Cinderella setting), and all that’s missing is the prince – that’s where Mr. Jimbo pops in. Marsha manages to drink herself into oblivion; Jimbo senses this and runs over to her to continue mentally harassing her. He introduces her to all his family as his girlfriend and future wife. At this point Marsha is brain-dead from intoxication and is susceptible to everything happening around her, including dancing with the butt monkey. Jimbo manages to steal the limelight and the first dance from the newly-weds, and halfway through the spot lit dancing, Jimbo begins to twirl Marsha. She truly enjoys this until she realizes that all the wedding guests are gawking at her butt cheeks, so she angrily asks Jimbo to put her down.

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/news/la-wlooo-dates-from-hell-part-ii-the-loser-loner-wannabe-ghetto-boy/

 

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

Dates From Hell Part I: The Stingy Brad Pitt

Back by popular demand, I decided to write about some more “dates from hell” stories, but this time, as told by some of my girl friends and divided into 3 parts. (Based on 100% true stories)

The Stingy Brad Pitt

When Powerpuff met Brad, she found him to be quite the good looking charmer. On their first date, Brad decides to take her to a beach resort but he asks Powerpuff to pick him up (how charming) because his car is at the garage. As they arrive to the beach resort, they both proceed to pay the entrance fees. Powerpuff offers to pay her share of course – out of politeness. Without arguing, Brad takes the money from her (Powerpuff assumes that he is trying to avoid a public display of “take my money, no, please, bla” and that he would discreetly sneak it back into her bag later). Instead, Brad blatantly shoves the money into his wallet (Ahem, this is a FIRST DATE!! Who does that?!). After getting over her shock, Powerpuff decides that it is no big deal, and continues with the “date”, which mainly consisted of Brad yapping and bragging about nothing:

Brad: “I am so sick of my car. I want to sell it and buy a new BMW, What do you think?”

Powerpuff: “Umm…I guess your car is OK (and I don’t bloody care!!).”
*Attempting to change the conversation*
“Where did you go to school, Brad?”

Brad: “I studied in Europe (said Mr. Pretentious), and now I am finishing my M.B.A. at a university here in Lebanon.”
(Huh?! Isn’t it usually the other way around??)

Powerpuff: “…..”

After their enthralling “conversation”, Brad’s friend magically pops up and lingers around them for about an hour. Powerpuff can’t figure out what would be more torturing: listening to their boring conversation until her ears explode or staring at the sun until her eyes burn. Brad announces that he is starving and they all agree to eat. Brad’s friend recommends a certain restaurant at the resort because it is “affordable” – Brad is delighted. (Affordable: a word not to be used on a first date.)

As they sit down to eat, Brad’s brother joins them, and Brad introduces Powerpuff as his girlfriend. Brad orders a hamburger, his brother orders a jumbo meal, and Powerpuff orders the most insignificant sandwich on the menu. When their food arrives, Brad realizes that his burger is accompanied by potato wedges instead of french fries. He insists on calling the waitress and making her life hell:

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/news/la-wlooo-dates-from-hell-part-i-the-stingy-brad-pitt/

 

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

From Dating to Darting

 

For many people in Lebanon who are searching for “The One”, the term dating is not so popular or should I say, understood. You are either single or in a relationship.

On the other hand, I, among many others, prefer dating first before deciding on whether or not to be “officially involved with the person in the eyes of the general public.” This process prevents you from being labeled as a jumper: “someone who jumps from one relationship to the next”, as Genius once told me after one of my break ups.

Sadly enough, the dating game has turned into a darting game for me, where I constantly find myself unable to resist darting out of the door the very minute my “Date” starts eating, talking, or trying to woo me. As excruciating as it is though, dating is still an essential stage to determine who is worthy of holding your hand, or who is remaining a name on your phone book.

My top three dates from hell (from the ones I recall) are as follows:

Once I was on a double date (that’s how hesitant I was) with Kung Fu Panda, and he was eating so fast and so furiously that he broke into a sweat! I could swear that I saw his neck pulsating and about to explode. I offered him some napkins and asked him to take a break before he chokes himself to death. The other couple could not resist laughing, and he could not resist devouring the last of his food. As disgusted as I was, I decided to finish dinner, simply for the sake of being polite – it was the correct thing to do after all, right? WRONG! After quite a few glasses of wine, he decided to make a detour instead of dropping me home to go up to a certain Monastery and pray! (Forgive me God) but what was he thinking?! As I stood there in shock, smoking my cigarette and trying not to crack up laughing, He gave me an evil stare that said “you are a horrible person and you are going straight to hell.” Yes, I was the one being judged after that wonderful evening.

During another splendid evening, I was having dinner with Jock Strap when he asked me to pick the wine. As I knew more about wine than he did, I began to browse through the wine list until I found the perfect bottle. To our dismay, the waiter informed us that the wine was unavailable and suggested another wine that should be to our liking. As I disagreed, Jock Strap insisted on trying that ridiculously over priced bottle because “his lady deserves the best”. To my lack of surprise, the wine was terrible. I continued my meal with a Coca Cola light, and did not even attempt to insult my taste buds with that sickening acid-like red liquid. On the other hand, Jock Strap made sure to finish the bottle down to the last drop while trying to convince me to drink it up as well – I resisted all attempts.
As the bill arrived, he pulled out his mobile phone and began calculating each and every item thoroughly and after a good 3 minutes of painstaking investigation, he uttered these lovely words, “you just had to order the most expensive bottle of wine on the menu now, didn’t you? Didn’t you? – Ha Ha Ha”. I was baffled, shocked, and horrified. I insisted on paying the bill and reminded him that it was his decision to order the wine in question, to which he responded, “I would never let a lady pay!” and there you have it!

Another horror story involved a colleague who I got reacquainted with. Tiny Tim picked me up in a very big car, and upon stepping out of it, I lost him. He was short to the extent that I could have probably rested my elbow at the top of his head. I was fresh out of a relationship and still in love/heartbroken so I made it clear to Tiny Tim that I am just interested in making new friends (he would have to be at least 1 meter taller to qualify for a potential boyfriend). During dinner, he started glaring at my watch and then said something that he must have thought was super smart, “That watch is from your Ex, isn’t it?” I told him it is, thinking nothing more of the subject.
Into the evening it seemed like he had something new and enlightening to say, so I asked him why he was turning purple and that was when he exploded. “How could you still be wearing a watch from your ex-boyfriend? Who do you think I am? I will not allow my woman to insult me like this. If I am important to you, you will throw it away now and I will buy you a new and very expensive one instead”, he blurted. Clearly I could not and did not react. I simply asked him to order the bill – anything I would further say or do would be of no significance because the psycho was apparently already convinced that we were soon to be engaged.
His final words to me as he was driving me home were, “WHY?! WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME? I am rich, good looking, and every girl I know would die to be with me!” I cried with laughter that night.

I have learnt that in the matters of the heart, taking things slowly and living each stage at a time will always provide better chances at succeeding.
Everyone is weird, and we each have a unique weirdness about us. Some weirdness is cute, even magnetic, but letting it all out too soon is just too much to digest. Self Control and Spontaneity both used in the right amounts result in magic - Every once in a while, we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, and “we fall into mutual weirdness”, and it makes all the bad experiences worth it.

“Slow but steady wins the race.” Aesop