Be Stupid!!

Many Lebanese girls have become so influenced with movies and TV series that they’ve turned their lives into a cheap imitation of the plastic Hollywood culture. Everywhere I look, I see 100 Paris Hilton wannabes making the statement “I am rich, beautiful, and shallow”.

Trying to be the mayor of Lebo-ville, where I had given myself the liberty of trying to fix or change the retards around me, proved to be impossible – little did I know that I need an army of psychiatrists, sociologists, wrestlers, snipers, and undercover retards to be able to communicate with these girls. I have now decided to stop trying to change anyone and everyone.

Instead, I considered trying a different approach of becoming more like them so that I don’t feel like vomiting or stapling their lips shut every time I have to see them or hear their stories.

For starters, I would tell daddy to open up a clothes boutique for me as a hobby because I’m such a fashionista that knows nothing about anything other than clothing labels and what’s HOT this fall. I will “create” my own designs and display some of my friends’ high-end, ridiculously priced designs (made of high quality fabrics only found next to the vegetable markets of Tripoli and in “Sou2 el Ahad”). Of course, I wouldn’t stay in Lebanon to work – I have aspirations! My real job would be in “Milan, Paris, London, or New York” (of course cities like these would kill to have a little shit like me working in their job market).

I would replace my novels and Time magazines with more stimulating reads that will inform me on whether Brad and Angelina are getting a divorce or not, and where Jennifer Love Hewitt got her vajeyjey vajazzled! Not only would I become more globally aware, but I’d have more to discuss with my new group of girlfriends.

I would only go on vacations when the other cool kids are traveling –we’d all plan it out on each others’ walls on Facebook and meet at the same “in” destination where we could all go shopping and take photos of our shopping bags, and go clubbing in the hopes of a one night stand with a famous football player or actor. That wouldn’t mean I am a whore, no, it would just mean I’m the hottest of the bunch.

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/lifestyle/cultural/la-wlooo-be-stupid

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

Lazy "Lebanese" Ladies

I remember reading somewhere that the year 2010 would witness “the rise of the female entrepreneur”, and many of my friends and acquaintances have indeed lived up to that claim and proved to those around them that you do not need to have a penis in order to be hardworking and independent. This made me take a glance at where I stood in this: after graduating 3 years ago, I jumped right into the employment scene; slaving away 12 hours a day, 5 days a week for over 2 years until I decided I needed a break, just to remember what the sun felt like on my skin and what oxygen felt like in my lungs.

During my break, I decided that I wanted to become an entrepreneur as well, and that is what I have oh so slowly been working on for the past few months. Whenever I am in doubt or hesitant, I force myself to remember when I was jealous of all those unemployed girls I know that could go to the beach any time they wanted, travel randomly when their hearts desired, and stay up every night till the break of dawn until I became one of them and realized that it is not a privilege, but a curse; because laziness inevitably brings one thing: more laziness (and consequently, uselessness).

I also realized not many girls enjoy working . . . at all. Instead, some graduate from university and claim not to be able to find a job; and some graduate and start looking for the next best thing: a “rich” husband. They believe that it is only a man’s job to make money and build a career.

Me: “Why aren’t you working?”

Useless Post-Grad: “Oh I haven’t found anything yet.”

Me: “How long have you been searching?”

Useless Post-Grad: “I’m not (because I am a coward who is terrified of failure).”

Me: “Oh . . . OK (loser), how come?”

Useless Post-Grad: “I have a severe case of Post-Graduation Depression.”

Me: “You have post-what?!”

The worst part about lying is when you start believing it yourself. “Post-Graduation Depression”, Ha! I wish these hopeless cases would
stop searching for “smarter” ways to camouflage their actual problem; instead they should say “I am refusing to acknowledge that I am a lazy loser who is a waste of space and an even bigger ungrateful waste of my parents’ support, time, and money. I am also getting tired of searching for a rich man to support me financially (I need to get those new Gucci shoes or life as I know it, will end), so please God, help me win more time to come up with yet another lame excuse for why I am such a useless burden (or better yet, please find me that
rich husband, really fast!).” The saddest part is that when Ms. Useless Post-Grad was still in university, she bragged to everyone about how she will become a big shot when she graduates. Aah . . . she talks the talk but can’t walk the walk, tsk tsk.

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/lifestyle/cultural/la-wlooo-lazy-lebanese-ladies

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

Daddy’s Girl, “Bint el Pap”

After more than a decade of living in Lebanon, I found that dividing people up into genres makes it easier for me to identify and deal with them. Although we are all somehow Daddy’s Girls (and it is great), within this genre lies the most annoying species known to mankind: the LEBANESY “yiiyy yaaayy ya alla” Daddy’s Girl, also known as “Bint El Pap”. I came across this shocking species of girls a few months ago (the 8th world wonders) and wanted to share the horror with you.

Bint El Pap is . . . useless. All she cares about is appearances, so she invests every ounce of her time and energy into looking good. Ironically, she has zero sense of style and at 20, ends up looking like a 45 year old woman. Even when going out for coffee, Pap’s Girl will wear all her makeup and accessories, her highest heels, and madame-like clothes (adequate for attending a wedding). Since these Pap’s Girls only care about flaunting brands, most of what they wear is fake; but they will continue to show off at how they spend over 10,000 US dollars on shopping each month (here’s a tip: people that specify the amount of money without being asked, are peasants!)

Whenever Pap’s Girl buys or might buy something new, she announces it to all humanity. In her nagging voice (made of the heaviest matter) she asks, “yyyyyiiiiiiiiiiiiiii . . . What car should I buyyyyyyyyy? This one? That one? The other one? The next one?” (As if anyone cares)
After being asked about her budget, she pompously refers to herself in the third person and responds, “Yyyyyiiiiiiiiii walawwwwww?? Bint el Pap ma 3anda budget 3end el Pap” (translated: Me, airhead. Pap, Bill Gates).

Among the other things that Pap doesn’t set a budget for, is a new nose for his stunning petite goat. She gets rhinoplasty and/or breast enlargement surgery done before she is 18. The sooner she stops looking like she has a bird’s beak instead of a nose, the sooner she can start blossoming into the divine flower that she is. She will also undergo full body laser hair removal (since she is hairier than a baboon) and live on a never-ending diet so that her bum-bum continues to fit in her “designer” jeans.

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/news/la-wlooo-daddys-girl-bint-el-pap/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

The Lebanese (Lira) Love Affair

When the typical Macho Man and Bimbo Barbie hit it off, we can safely assume that they’ll be married by the summer that follows. As pessimistic as I am, marriage is sacred to me – I am ready to die alone unless I marry “The One”.

In Lebanon, many women share similar beliefs – the average Bimbo Barbie is a gold digger that is searching for “The RICH One”. It doesn’t matter if he’s educated, cultured, or well traveled. His background, family, and history don’t matter either. All that matters is what’s parked in his garage, resting in his pocket, and sleeping in his bank account. Instead of asking questions like “Where did you go to school?” and “What do you do for a living?” she asks questions like “What car do you drive?” and “How much money do you make?”

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/news/la-wlooo-the-lebanese-lira-love-affair/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.