Hello awesome readers!
I have re-located my blog to the following URL:
http://www.blogtoblague.com
See you there!
April 13, 2011
April 12, 2011
Lebanese Internet SUCKS
Since 1998, I haven’t enjoyed one day of fast, non-stop internet. It’s always like a suspense movie, “what’s going to happen next?” or “how many minutes do we have left before we run out of megabytes?”
For someone who’s lived in Lebanon their entire life, this is perfectly normal. It’s not strange that we cannot watch a video on Youtube without having to wait for it load first, it’s not strange that one song needs fifteen minutes to download and it’s certainly not strange that we can’t watch an “Entourage” episode online without waiting half a day for it to load.
Personally, I’m pissed off and I think you should be too because if:
The electricity cuts at 6 pm while you’re in the middle of a Skype call or a download. You then have to wait a good five to ten minutes for everything to start running properly again. The minute you’re back on the net, you can bet that whoever you’re chatting to is going to disappear for ten minutes as well (granted that they live In Lebanon).
You pay 200 USD for a 2.3 mb connection. Let’s not forget how you must pay 250 USD (or something like that) for the initial installment of a router that serves no significant purpose. You must then pay 40 USD per month for megabytes that won’t last a week. Do you have any complaints? Click here: www.noonecares.com
You call your
To continue reading, please follow this link:
I am currently writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!" on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.
April 4, 2011
Sun Of A Beach
Beach season is only a couple of weeks away; I can tell, since I have no place in my aerobics class that magically went from 15 to 50 people – all struggling to ward off the evil fat.
Excess body weight is not the only problem at the beach though – allow me to elaborate.
Undress to Impress
For her:When buying a swimsuit, make sure the fabric isn’t see-through. There is nothing sexy about wearing a white swimsuit that reveals your secret garden.
Also, pay attention to fabric. Stay away from vulgar prints and metallic fabrics. Mesh is a big NO-NO, especially when combined with army print. You’re not Lara Croft or G.I. Jane, so don’t try to flaunt that look.
Keep in mind that there could be families at the beach you’re going to, so keep your thong bottoms for a more private occasion (or burn them, preferably). If you have large breasts, make sure your swimsuit top covers more than just your nipples. You want to look sexy not scary. If you have fake breasts, please stay away from push-up swimsuit tops – that’s just plain disgusting.
If you’re overweight, do not wear anything stringy because it will look plain ugly on you. Be considerate of other people’s eyes and feelings.
It would be very considerate of you to wear a cover-up while walking around, especially if you have a blubbery behind. Once again, other people have eyes.
Never wear high heels. You’re not going out to dinner or to a trendy club, you’re going to the beach! Whatever happened to Havaianas? Seriously, there’s nothing sexy or cool about a woman parading around in high heels or wedges while wearing a swimsuit. It’s way too overdone and I get uncomfortable just watching these women attempting to walk.
One more thing, visible hair (anywhere other than your head and eyebrows) is unacceptable. Deal with it.
For Him:Speedos may be the bomb in certain countries, so if you want to rock that look, fly there and spare us from the misery. No one is comfortable looking at a man wearing Speedos. Your bulge is way too distracting. It looks as if it’s about to explode or pop out to say hello.
Do not hike your swimming trunks up to your throat, and don’t push them too low to the extent that we can see your wiener lower pelvis. There is a comfortable and proper way to wear your swimming trunks, a way that doesn’t scare off children – keep that in mind.
You may be the hairiest beast in the world, but we don’t need to see or know that. Spend a day (or three) waxing or shaving all that nasty chest (back, neck, stomach) hair before you make your debut at the beach. a) girls will look at you without vomiting, b) children won’t think that King Kong just emerged from the sea, and c) you’ll feel much better about yourself, and lighter (since carpets belong on floors).A beer belly is not that bad; no one is asking you to look like Brad Pitt, but if you have man breasts…it’s over. You can either try to lose weight or cover them up just like women do. Yes, when exposed, man breasts are even more distracting than their female counterpart.
Wearing your watch, chain, ring, and whatever else to the beach (where there is sand, sun, heat and water) is just cheesy and vulgar. Keep it simple, and keep all your metallic objects in a drawer in your bedroom . . . and spare yourself the 573 unnecessary tan lines.
To continue reading, please follow this link:
I am currently writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!" on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.
March 28, 2011
33 Things You Didn't Know About Men
1. Men don’t like snobs or snobby behavior; they interpret it as rejection. Always remember, there’s a big difference between sexy self confidence and a turn-off holier-than-thou attitude.
2. Men will choose a neat and presentable girl over a good-looking girl. There’s no point in dating a Gisele lookalike if she’s dressed like a hooker. That being said, even if your man enjoys you being the biggest b**** in bed, you better be a lady in public. Men take no pride in boasting a hooker-lookalike girlfriend; for starters, his friends will either make fun of him or make jokes about banging her.
3. Stop worrying about your silly tick or your wide hips or splits ends or small breasts. When a man truly really likes you, he’ll ignore all your bad characteristics.
But,
4. Never underestimate a man’s attention to detail. If you have Sasquatch toes, he’ll run away. If you have hairy arms or armpits or moustache, he’ll run away. If you have crooked homeless guy teeth, he’ll run away. If you have fart breath, he’ll run away. And although women may tolerate some body odor on men, it doesn’t work the other way around. If you stink, your man will run away. Men love the sweet smell of a woman’s skin and hair so make sure you don’t smell like sweat!
But,
4. Never underestimate a man’s attention to detail. If you have Sasquatch toes, he’ll run away. If you have hairy arms or armpits or moustache, he’ll run away. If you have crooked homeless guy teeth, he’ll run away. If you have fart breath, he’ll run away. And although women may tolerate some body odor on men, it doesn’t work the other way around. If you stink, your man will run away. Men love the sweet smell of a woman’s skin and hair so make sure you don’t smell like sweat!
5. Yes, women hate it when men compare them to their mother; but weirdly enough a man is attracted to a woman that reminds him of his mother (Oedipus much?), so if you feel his mother is an evil b***, you’re most likely an evil b*** too.
6. Keep in mind that:
Men cry too, they just don’t make a dramatic Shakespearean show out of it like women do.
A man can be infatuated by you for five minutes, then forget you for the remainder of his existence.
Men will go crazy over a woman’s smile.
When a man tells you he doesn’t understand you, it’s because you’re not thinking the way he is.
Whether he’s lazy or super hard-working, every man has dreams bigger than his ego.
When a guy keeps teasing you, it means he’s into you.
Men love their moms. Men hate gays.
Men cry too, they just don’t make a dramatic Shakespearean show out of it like women do.
A man can be infatuated by you for five minutes, then forget you for the remainder of his existence.
Men will go crazy over a woman’s smile.
When a man tells you he doesn’t understand you, it’s because you’re not thinking the way he is.
Whether he’s lazy or super hard-working, every man has dreams bigger than his ego.
When a guy keeps teasing you, it means he’s into you.
Men love their moms. Men hate gays.
7. Never underestimate or question a man’s ability or power. Whether he’s driving around trying to find that new restaurant, or trying to fix your phone or his TV set, never tell him: “you don’t know what you’re doing,” smile instead and give him a thumbs up.
8. Men are self-conscious about their weight too. They don’t like having a beer belly or those extra love handles, so don’t squeeze them and say “oh how cute!!” No man wants to be your teddy bear, he wants to be your grizzly bear and rock your world.
9. A man can flirt around with 54 girls per day, but right before he goes to bed he only thinks about that one girl he truly cares about; whether it’s a girl he broke up with 7 years ago or his current lover or his best friend’s girl.
10. You’re not playing smart by telling a man: “Umm, you know what? . . . never mind, forget about it.” You’re not being a tease; you’re being stupid, because he will jump to a conclusion so far from what you were actually thinking . . . following that, hell may break loose.
11. Never talk about your ex-boyfriends. Men hate it. Their imaginations will run wild too. On that note, never tell your man that you’re friendly with your Ex; his mind registers it as: “my Ex and I still hook up every now and then”.
12. When a man asks to meet your parents, don’t stop him. You never know, two years down the line you could be begging him to meet your parents are he’ll be refusing . . . think about it.
13. No girl likes an emotionless man. The key here is moderation, so don’t keep trying to provoke your man in order to get a reaction out of him. If he’s provoked enough, you’ll be getting much more than a heated temper (and no girl likes that either).
14. When a girl says “no” to a guy, he usually interprets it as “try again later”. When a girl says “yes”, he interprets it as “I want you to f*** me”. There’s no such thing as being too hard to get, but there is such thing as being too accessible. Men don’t like accessible girls, they enjoy the thrill of the chase and prefer a girl that’s a challenge to him and unreachable to guys before him.
15. Although they will deny this, men are even bigger and worse gossipers than woman. They have the power to spread a story across the face of the earth faster than a woman can put her shirt back on. That being said, men cannot keep secrets that women tell them.
To continue reading, please follow this link:
I am currently writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!" on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.
March 21, 2011
34 Things You didn't Know About Women
1. No we do not enjoy watching boring action movies and sports games we know nothing about, so it wouldn’t kill you to watch “The Fashion Police” with us every once in a while without complaining that your testosterone levels are dropping.
2. No we do not enjoy getting waxed at the salon. It’s time, money, and energy wasted on agonizing physical pain, so it wouldn’t hurt you to trim your nose hairs and tweeze your unibrow. We also understand that you’re a man and you’re entitled to chest hair, but please don’t abuse the privilege. If you can braid them, shave them!
3. We also burp and fart . . . in private. How would you feel if your woman rubbed her belly and burped after each meal?
4. We get our nails manicured on a weekly basis so that our delicate lady hands remain soft, polished, and appealing. We’re not asking you to have lady hands too, but we don’t want you to have Godzilla hands either. Cut your nails, push back your cuticles, and don’t chew at them. It’s quite simple.
5. We have eyes; we can see when your vision wanders from our face to our breasts. Please keep in mind that there is no way to be subtle about it. If you want to sneak a peek while we’re not watching, go ahead, but don’t gawk at them while we’re talking to you. Eww.
6. You’ll never understand what PMS truly is . . . neither will we. We don’t PMS every month, but we still enjoy the privilege of acting like monsters with you when we can simply blame it on PMS. It’s the perfect excuse to call you a stupid prick. You may think it’s a lame excuse, but it’s not – it’s darn great one.
7. We’d rather be with a man who doesn’t dance rather than with a man who can’t dance but still insists on dancing like he’s at a gay parade. If you don’t know your moves, sit down. Contrary to Abba’s song, you are not the dancing queen.
8.Whether we’re out on our 1st or 93rd dinner together, we want dessert. Whether we ask for it or not, we want dessert. Whether we’re dieting or not, we want dessert. When you’re in doubt, order us dessert (preferably something with lots of chocolate) – why? Because we want dessert.
9. If we love you, we will turn into worriers. We will worry about what you eat, how you sleep, and everything else. We do not like hearing that we are like your mother; so instead of complaining, appreciate that a female of the world actually gives a crap about you.
10. Whether you’re going to the beach, the supermarket, or to your cousin’s wedding, we expect you to look sexy and smell good. Whether you are bathed or not, drowned in cologne or just back from the gym, it’s all the same to us as long as you smell good; even if it’s your natural manly smell (but as long as it’s not a bad case of body odor – unacceptable).
11. If you wear a suit or a tuxedo the right way, you’ll have the power to make any girl swoon over you – you’ll have the power to turn us into porn stars. True Story.
12. We understand there’s a three day rule to calling a girl after you first meet her. We don’t like that rule. It’s become so cliché and we don’t like men who need to plan their every move. This is not a board game, so spontaneity won’t give you an ulcer. Call us the next day; not only will be appreciate it, but we’ll appreciate you.
To continue reading, please follow this link:
I am currently writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!" on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.
March 14, 2011
Marriage: Sex, Money & The In-Laws
Marriage season is only a few months away, and while many brides are worried about what dress to buy, what venue to rent out, and where to spend the honeymoon, the more important issues are almost entirely overlooked. These important issues seem to magically surface during the first year of marriage and the newlyweds are in awe as to “what went wrong”.
For starters, newlyweds must accept the idea that they are starting new, at the beginning, and working their way hopefully up. Not every man is a millionaire and not every man starts off with the wealth of his or his wife’s father, since a man at 40 is at a different level than when he was 20. With this in mind, every woman must be realistic.
It is every woman’s dream to have her house on the pages of the Architectural Digest, with at least 500 m2 of space, a garden, a swimming pool, and a sea view; let’s not forget the nanny, 2 luxury cars, 3 vacations per annum, and the valuable presents (designer bags and diamond earrings). It all sounds so yummy; and even if you had these privileges when you were single and living in daddy’s house, when you’re a newlywed with no kids and trying to build a future, that is too big and too early of a dream because there are other priorities to focus on.
Some girls may have that messed up princess attitude and say “I deserve nothing less. Daddy gave me everything I ever wanted”.
Of course daddy simply cannot continue paying for you after you’re married, unless you’d like to castrate your husband.
To Daddy’s Princess: You should marry your own father. Who cares about incest when he’s flying you to Bali?
Keep your expectations realistic.
Many women like to glue themselves to their mother and cannot understand how much of a turn off that is:
To the Overgrown Embryos: congratulations, you are on the right track of making your husband hate you. He will either cheat on you or divorce you in the next three years. Always remember this equation: Husband + Mama = Disaster = You’re an idiot.
It’s even worse when the husband can’t get enough of his mama and it makes you question whether or not he has underlying Freudian issues. For starters, it’s not cool to always compare your wife’s cooking to your mama’s. Remember: your wife has only just started cooking while your mama has been doing it for decades. It’s also not cool to let your mama interfere in your financials or when you’re deciding to have kids. One word: creepy.
To all Oedipus Wannabes: You can’t have two women in your life . . . and there are limits to what your mama can do for you – know what I’m sayin’?
For starters, newlyweds must accept the idea that they are starting new, at the beginning, and working their way hopefully up. Not every man is a millionaire and not every man starts off with the wealth of his or his wife’s father, since a man at 40 is at a different level than when he was 20. With this in mind, every woman must be realistic.
It is every woman’s dream to have her house on the pages of the Architectural Digest, with at least 500 m2 of space, a garden, a swimming pool, and a sea view; let’s not forget the nanny, 2 luxury cars, 3 vacations per annum, and the valuable presents (designer bags and diamond earrings). It all sounds so yummy; and even if you had these privileges when you were single and living in daddy’s house, when you’re a newlywed with no kids and trying to build a future, that is too big and too early of a dream because there are other priorities to focus on.
Some girls may have that messed up princess attitude and say “I deserve nothing less. Daddy gave me everything I ever wanted”.
Of course daddy simply cannot continue paying for you after you’re married, unless you’d like to castrate your husband.
To Daddy’s Princess: You should marry your own father. Who cares about incest when he’s flying you to Bali?
Keep your expectations realistic.
Many women like to glue themselves to their mother and cannot understand how much of a turn off that is:
- Because mama-glue seems like an immature child who cannot make an adult decision on her own
- Because mama-glue seems like a tattle tale who runs to mommy whenever big bad evil husband tells her “no” or raises his voice
- Because mama-glue seems like she was better off living with mama, single, in mama’s home . . . without the accessory husband.
To the Overgrown Embryos: congratulations, you are on the right track of making your husband hate you. He will either cheat on you or divorce you in the next three years. Always remember this equation: Husband + Mama = Disaster = You’re an idiot.
It’s even worse when the husband can’t get enough of his mama and it makes you question whether or not he has underlying Freudian issues. For starters, it’s not cool to always compare your wife’s cooking to your mama’s. Remember: your wife has only just started cooking while your mama has been doing it for decades. It’s also not cool to let your mama interfere in your financials or when you’re deciding to have kids. One word: creepy.
To all Oedipus Wannabes: You can’t have two women in your life . . . and there are limits to what your mama can do for you – know what I’m sayin’?
To continue reading, please follow this link:
I am currently writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!" on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.
Too Cool For School
Teacher’s day is an occasion to give thanks to the beautiful minds that helped shape our method of thinking, behaving, and living. Out of the four schools and university that I’ve attended, there are a good few teachers and professors that I will never forget; some because of how they inspired me and others because of how they disgusted me. I haven’t thought of my teachers in a while, but the incidents of Friday night put quite the spotlight on horrible high school professors.
Teacher’s day was celebrated this week in Lebanon; and just like every year, I must encounter some form of human disaster on this date. Friday night was no exception, when some friends and I decided to dine in a charming and authentic Lebanese venue, far away from the Beirut city bustle. We wanted a calm evening to enjoy some of our country’s delicious chardonnay and relax after a long week. To our horrible luck, at least 60 teachers from some strict catholic school decided to celebrate their teacher’s day in that very place bringing with them the most obnoxious entertainer (singer/pianist). You’d think strict catholic school teachers would have some manners and poise, but no. I have seen buffaloes, wild boars, and warthogs with more etiquette (and less body fat), and just imagining having those people as my teachers made me feel faint. Where do I begin on how horrifying their behavior was?
What looked like a bulldozer 400 pound lady was picking her teeth (with her thumb) all night. At some point, I questioned whether she was cleaning her teeth or filing her nails. After three hours of devouring her friends’ share of the food, she looked rather glum that the feast had come to an end. I couldn’t imagine how this entity was a teacher. How did children look at this beast all day long? How did they manage to learn from her – whether it’s information or manners? On a final note, did she also pick her teeth in class (or did she pick her nose instead)?
Every one of the women looked like they had escaped from a brothel. With skintight leather outfits, leopard print shoes, and red faux fur blouses, it was like a scene out of a circus act – especially when they’re 40 year old women, shaking what their mama gave them all over the dance floor. I felt the earth move and the walls crumble as they bombarded the one 70 year old male professor that was happily enjoying the beastly female attention. He felt and looked like a star, gesturing each female to take a 10 minute break from wiping the plates clean to dance with him. I can only imagine being a teenager again and running into one of my teachers looking like that – high school would have been a different experience altogether.
To continue reading, please follow this link:
I am currently writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!" on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.
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