Beach season is only a couple of weeks away; I can tell, since I have no place in my aerobics class that magically went from 15 to 50 people – all struggling to ward off the evil fat.
Excess body weight is not the only problem at the beach though – allow me to elaborate.
Undress to Impress
For her:When buying a swimsuit, make sure the fabric isn’t see-through. There is nothing sexy about wearing a white swimsuit that reveals your secret garden.
Also, pay attention to fabric. Stay away from vulgar prints and metallic fabrics. Mesh is a big NO-NO, especially when combined with army print. You’re not Lara Croft or G.I. Jane, so don’t try to flaunt that look.
Keep in mind that there could be families at the beach you’re going to, so keep your thong bottoms for a more private occasion (or burn them, preferably). If you have large breasts, make sure your swimsuit top covers more than just your nipples. You want to look sexy not scary. If you have fake breasts, please stay away from push-up swimsuit tops – that’s just plain disgusting.
If you’re overweight, do not wear anything stringy because it will look plain ugly on you. Be considerate of other people’s eyes and feelings.
It would be very considerate of you to wear a cover-up while walking around, especially if you have a blubbery behind. Once again, other people have eyes.
Never wear high heels. You’re not going out to dinner or to a trendy club, you’re going to the beach! Whatever happened to Havaianas? Seriously, there’s nothing sexy or cool about a woman parading around in high heels or wedges while wearing a swimsuit. It’s way too overdone and I get uncomfortable just watching these women attempting to walk.
One more thing, visible hair (anywhere other than your head and eyebrows) is unacceptable. Deal with it.
For Him:Speedos may be the bomb in certain countries, so if you want to rock that look, fly there and spare us from the misery. No one is comfortable looking at a man wearing Speedos. Your bulge is way too distracting. It looks as if it’s about to explode or pop out to say hello.
Do not hike your swimming trunks up to your throat, and don’t push them too low to the extent that we can see your wiener lower pelvis. There is a comfortable and proper way to wear your swimming trunks, a way that doesn’t scare off children – keep that in mind.
You may be the hairiest beast in the world, but we don’t need to see or know that. Spend a day (or three) waxing or shaving all that nasty chest (back, neck, stomach) hair before you make your debut at the beach. a) girls will look at you without vomiting, b) children won’t think that King Kong just emerged from the sea, and c) you’ll feel much better about yourself, and lighter (since carpets belong on floors).A beer belly is not that bad; no one is asking you to look like Brad Pitt, but if you have man breasts…it’s over. You can either try to lose weight or cover them up just like women do. Yes, when exposed, man breasts are even more distracting than their female counterpart.
Wearing your watch, chain, ring, and whatever else to the beach (where there is sand, sun, heat and water) is just cheesy and vulgar. Keep it simple, and keep all your metallic objects in a drawer in your bedroom . . . and spare yourself the 573 unnecessary tan lines.
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