My Blackberry, My Cherie

 Nine months ago after I wrote about how the Blackberry changed my life (to the worse), I decided to pick my battles; and so I chose to disregard my friends’ excessive blackberry consumption while we’re out together, even if it meant that I would be ignored on several occasions (but still, that would give me much pleasure and time to check my Facebook and ASW notifications,  e-mails, BBM messages and status updates, MSN and What’s App messages – yes, I’m semi-retarded).

BUT, there is always that one person who irritates the life out of me with their 476 blackberry status updates and their 498 broadcast messages per day!

WHY?!

We can all go crazy ONCE IN A WHILE and feel the need to update our statuses 9 times per day, or send funny, meaningless broadcast messages to our friends; but that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about out of this world psychotic behavior. For instance, there are these 2 (more like 6) girls on my BBM list that update their statuses faster than they can  say “I’m an annoying freak of nature that must stop scaring people!”

One of them, Ms. Merry Berry updates her status every 4.5 minutes. Allow me to demonstrate:

“I am flying”

“I am flying high”

“I am flying hghh in the sky” (she realizes she made a typo and corrects it)

“I am flying high in the sky”

“I am flying so high in the sky” (it’s all about emphasis)

“I am flying so high in the sky :)”

“I am flying so high in the sky :) :)”

“I am flying so high in the sky :) :) :)” (as I said, emphasis)

Okay, I believe you!

Till today, I still ask myself two questions:

1. Does Ms. Merry Berry realize that people can see her going psycho 12 times
per hour?

2. Was I temporarily insane when I accepted her friend request?

3. How oh how can I delete her without hurting her merry, twitchy, little feelings?

To all the merry berry people out there: please tone down the creepiness (for the sake of your keypad and your self-respect!)

There’s also Ms. Scary Berry who always seems to be starring in a blockbuster horror/thriller/suspense movie:

“Oh nooooooooooooo”

“It’s sooooo bbbaaaddddddd”

“It’s sooooo painfullllllllll”

“What will I dooooooo?”

“I’m dyinngggggggggg”

“Noooo wayyyyyyyyyyyy”

“Helllppp meeee”

After my rage and exasperation subsided, a feeling of overwhelming curiosity swept over me, so I asked Ms. Hitchcock what’s wrong. She then told me that she was experiencing severe menstrual pains (privacy much?); I couldn’t help but wonder what she told her 200 other contacts that must have asked her the same question for the same reasons that I did!

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/lifestyle/cultural/la-wlooo-my-blackberry-my-cherie/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

Rain, Rain, Go Away!

My Friday started with an 11 am rendezvous at my manicurist’s, who was having a semi-stroke because her car was at the wash and there were chances of rain. This automatically put every girl present into panic mode: “If it rains, what shoes will I wear tonight?”, “Should I wear a light jacket?”, “Should I even bother going to the hair salon?”, “Should I commit suicide because the world is coming to an end?” I sat there feeling very left out because I couldn’t remember the last time I washed my car, and I virtually never get my hair coiffed to go out; I was actually looking forward to the rain, and I definitely think it’s something to look forward to after that sizzling hot summer (one can only sweat so much!).

Surely enough, it rained . . . and rained . . . and rained till all hell broke loose. To all you readers who do not reside in Lebanon, I would like to assure you that it was nothing close to a tsunami (or even a small storm); it was a couple of hours of gentle rain with a little bit of thunder, and the result was as follows:

As soon as I stepped into my car, and after leaving skid marks all over the streets of Jounieh, I was reminded that my wheels needed changing. The dust on my windshield mixed with the rain, resulted in a muddy mixture of crap that my wipers couldn’t get rid of (this was the universe punishing me for not washing my car for the past 2 months). Roads were blocked with traffic – I am guessing that every other Lebanese citizen must have also realized that their wheels needed changing (either that or they simply enjoy panicking and driving at 20 kmph for no reason at all). Who knows, maybe it’s a Lebanese ritual to drive like a 90 year old corpse at the first glimpse of a rain drop. Roads were also suddenly polluted with garbage . . . where the heck did it all come from? Water is supposed to wash away dirt, not make it more visible!

I reached my home dripping with water, but still feeling thankful that the months of scorching heat are finally over. Since our water heater at home runs on solar energy, and since the sun was non-existent today, I was forced to shower in cold water. It then took me almost 2 hours to finish blow drying my hair because the electricity went nuts – I guess “Electricité du Liban” (a.k.a. Sons du Bi***es) believes that a harmless rain shower is good enough reason to repeatedly cut out the power supply from every home over the duration of 4 hours until every Lebanese citizen has officially gone mad.

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/lifestyle/cultural/la-wlooo-rain-rain-go-away/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

We're All Mad Here

Since I can’t come up with one topic to complain about this week, I decided to whine about several things “a la libanaise” that I just can’t understand. Here’s some food for thought:

1. Why is it that the moment someone phones you, their first question is “Wainak? Shou 3am ta3mol?” Is there no limit to nosiness? Whatever happened to privacy (I guess that died long ago with the creation of the Facebook and the blackberry)? What happened to “hi, how are you?” (And no I don’t mean “hi kifak ca va?”)

2. Why doesn’t anyone use their car turn signal blinkers? When my turn signals are blinking, I look at my rear view mirror and all I see are cars stampeding to over-take me (I think the blinking lights excite their infantile brain cells). I also constantly find myself driving peacefully when all of a sudden, the car in front of me makes a turn (without turn signals). Naturally, I honk angrily at the driver, only to receive the middle finger gesture and the typical insult: “inteyé”.

3. What is up with stupid English grammar mistakes? OH MY GOD! It must be one of my worst pet peeves ever.

• You are a Looser: WRONG! Loser is the opposite of winner. Looser is the opposite of tighter.
• You are so sweat: WRONG! Sweat is perspiration. Sweet is the opposite of bitter.
• Thx you: WRONG! Thx is the abbreviation for Thanks. You simple cannot say “Thanks you”, ladies and gentlemen.
• You are an angle: WRONG! Angle is a point of view or part of a triangle. Angel is that flying white-winged person.

(I once received a love letter that said “You are a sweat angle.” All I could think of was body odors and perpendicular triangles – what a turn off!)

4. What’s up with the horrifying elderly people? Aren’t they supposed to be sweet and full of wisdom? Instead, they are bitter and full of odors. They release gas (loudly) out of every available opening in their body, publicly, and do not care if they are stinking up the room. They are loud, obnoxious, and rude; they drive horribly, push and shove people (aren’t they supposed to be weak and fragile?), and they constantly remind me of how our generation is a failure compared to theirs because they made their money from scratch, fought in the war(s), and had 57 children (Be gone dinosaur!)

5. What do people like in “tish tik tah tah” music? I don’t get it! I see people driving around with their windows down, blasting their Arabic music and dancing to it. Yes, there are some old Arabic songs that are mesmerizing, but nowadays, the lyrics are either completely meaningless, or too corny, or absolutely miserable (backed by horrible melodies and vocals)! I think it is an excuse for girls to pop their cleavage out and shake their stuff like belly dancers who are high on caffeine. Is that supposed to be sexy?

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/news/la-wlooo-were-all-mad-here/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

Fighting Football Fever

Lebanese Football fans gave a whole new meaning to the FIFA World Cup 2010. Here are the guidelines they followed in order to transform football fever into a tribal battle.

1. You are either a German or Brazilian Fan: because you have no knowledge of football whatsoever and no clue about what other teams are playing.

If you are a German fan, you have the right to be angry (not sure why), and hold up a German flag or preferably a Nazi flag (because God forbid that Lebanese people go one day without affiliating everything with some form of politics).

“How can you not love the home of Mercedes Benz, BMW, Michael Shumaker, and Hitler?” said a German fan. Jeez, such deep relevance! Bear in mind that 80% of these hardcore fans have never been to Germany and are in no way linked to the country.

If you are a Brazilian fan, there is no need for a sweater. If you get cold, just wrap a Brazilian flag around your shoulders. You are the cheery, samba-dancing, ‘carnaval’ folk that wears yellow to every game, so that street lights (and/or the sun) aren’t needed anymore. You tell tales of how babies in Rio play football in the sand every day before they learn to walk. “Have you ever been to Brazil?” “Oh no, but I’ll be going in 2014 for the next World Cup – and my great, great, great grandmother is Brazilian”, said a delusional Brazilian fan.

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/news/la-wlooo-fighting-football-fever/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

Blackberry was Better as a Fruit

Up until a couple of months ago, I was involved in a long distance relationship that sky rocketed my phone bills. I juggled between skyping, direct calling, and texting, but that still didn’t help. During that time, the world as I knew it was about to change: *Drum roll* MTC, one of two mobile phone operators in Lebanon, was on the verge of introducing the Blackberry service to the Lebanese market. I generally tend to pick up on trends (or I like to believe that I do), but in this case I was quite reluctant. RedBerry, who was one of the first to purchase a Blackberry in Lebanon and activate its service (for a ridiculous price) urged me to do the same since my long distance boyfriend at the time, Couscous, had a blackberry of his own. “You will save a ton on phone bills and your life will never be the same again”, she said. I was intrigued.

My curiosity then took me on a journey of research and discovery; I called up a few of my friends who had also got bitten by the blackberry bug – their testimonials were as follows:

“There’s no habibi without a BB”, said the Big Friendly Giant.

“If you don’t have a blackberry, you’re just not cool – soon, EVERYONE is going to have it. MTC is cooler than Alfa. The blackberry bold is cooler than the blackberry curve. Come to chocolate tonight . . . .bla. . .”, said Insomniac.

“What is your BB Pin?” said 34 random friends.

After 4 months of deep thought, I decided it was time to buy a blackberry.

I informed Couscous - he was thrilled.

Since my phone line was operated by Alfa, I had to buy another phone number that was operated by MTC in order to activate the service (bear in mind that I had had my Alfa phone line for 10 years and had given my number out to over 600 people). Nothing would stand in my way! In less than 6 hours, I had bought a new MTC phone number, decided I didn’t like it anymore, bought yet another MTC phone number, decided I liked it, registered my new number, activated the service, and bought my very own Blackberry curve (I decided the curve was cooler than the bold). Life was great……until my next phone bill arrived and I realized that activating the service had in no way contributed to decreasing it, but at that point it was too late – I was already bitten by the blackberry bug.

Initially, the whole purpose of buying that phone was to communicate more efficiently with Cousous, but the result was as follows:

Couscous and I started talking less on the phone (once a day became once every 4 days), the frequency of our arguments increased from once every two weeks to once a day, my BB contacts rapidly increased from 6 to 86, and my table manners, conversational skills, and eye contact slowly and steadily diminished. Couscous and I eventually had an argument where he said, “I wish you never bought a blackberry.”

Eventually Alfa activated the BB service after my previous phone number was already dead and gone.

Eventually Couscous and I broke up. (Blackberry was not solely responsible for this).

Will that be a reason for me to deactivate my service? NO. I cannot be disconnected from my Facebook account, my 90 BB contacts, my MSN contacts, the World Wide Web, the news updates, and my e-mail accounts. (Xanax, please?)

I have learnt one lesson though: Being up in someone’s face all the time is just plain creepy. No matter how far we get sucked into technology and its perks, we should never forget some of the basic things it may deprive us of: privacy, physical HUMAN contact, and social interaction (to say the least).

“Use, do not abuse; neither abstinence nor excess ever renders man happy.” Voltaire