Terrorizing, Traumatizing Traffic

On a typical day in Lebanon, no matter where you live or work, a simple drive from point A to point B could induce heart attacks, stokes, and/or anxiety attacks amongst the best of us. Regardless of trying every known or undiscovered shortcut (until you start sweating through your eyeballs), you will still get stuck in traffic, drive into a ditch, or get verbally harassed by another road-raged driver. Why bother driving in the first place? “Yiii, my prestige doesn’t allow me to walk or use public transportation!”
In our 10,452 km² country and on our “very strategically built” highways, why all the traffic? Where in the heck does it start and end? You could be speeding down the road enjoying the music, when all of a sudden: a traffic jam (it begins and ends for no logical reason at all). I’ve come to notice a few reasons as to why this happens:

1.       Shops at the side of the road: Cars are ALWAYS parked in front of those shops, and it is inevitable that everyone must panic once a motorist attempts to drive back onto the highway. WHY is this so difficult? Cars driving by simply cannot slow down without creating havoc, and the motorist who is reversing out of their parking space suddenly forgets how to drive like a human being. The result: panic, and thus traffic.

2.       Car accidents: No, I do not mean car accidents on the highway you are actually driving on; I mean accidents on the highway to your left. All motorists simply must stop (because the road belongs to their fathers) and stare at the accident (to check what car it is, if anyone died, and tell the whole world that they saw it first– Reuters style). Some motorists even get out of their cars and join the police men and ambulance drivers on the scene of the accident – why they do this, I will never know!

3.       Left lanes: Almost everyone is always driving on the left lane. In all fairness, it is supposed to be the fast lane (everywhere except in Lebanon), but here we all make our own rules – the Lebanese motorists will drive on the left at 30 kmph (any slower and they’ll be moving backwards), and God forbid that you honk at any of them because they own the roads and are too uncivilized to understand the concept of a “fast lane”. As a result, you will only receive a handful of insults (the only way a Lebanese motorist knows how to communicate). “Man, kermel heik ba3mol betweeneit.”

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/lifestyle/cultural/la-wlooo-terrorizing-traumatizing-traffic/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

PMS: Beauty & The Beast

As if being a woman weren’t hard enough, we had to be “cursed” with “that time of the month” as well. And as if men didn’t complain about us enough, they have an extra reason to do that every month for the rest of our lives (or until menopause at least) – and by then we’d all be too old to bother talking, let alone arguing.
Since “rivalry” and confusion between men and women has existed long before the invention of the cheese sandwich, I decided to clarify (in my opinion) why women are monsters during the wonderful days of PMS (Pre-menstrual syndrome).

As much as women like to complain about it, I think that deep down we are all thankful for having a few days a month where we have a good excuse to behave as we please; and we can be as mean, angry, annoyed, and fussy as we want. A lady must act like a lady at all times (I try to keep it at a good 50-50, for my sanity’s sake); it’s hard work – especially when we watch men walk around topless, scratch their balls, spit in public, pee at the side of the road, burp, fart, smell bad, etc. And all though that type of behavior is absolutely disgusting (even for men), they are allowed to do it – for them, it’s justified. Although it will never be acceptable for women to act that way, and although we don’t care to act that way either, that type of liberation does create some feelings of envy in us. So when PMS-ing, we can complain from dusk till dawn, and although those around us may be contemplating how to kill us, they can’t do anything about it since our behavior is justified – it’s a privilege (and a curse) that can’t be taken away from us.

I have heard time and time again about how Ms. PMS is late, is cranky, has cramps, has cravings, is in pain, is tired, and wishes to stab her boyfriend or husband 5 times in the face (why? why not!). For the remainder of the month, she absolutely adores her man – the simple thought of him makes her smile; but during this time, his face represents all that is ugly and awful in the world. His voice makes her heart beat faster (and I don’t mean that in a good or romantic way), his actions (whether romantic gestures or routine behavior) make her want to cry with misery (or turn into King Kong and climb a building). Why? I believe it’s the price men have to pay (just for being men).

No matter how great you are as a man, stay away from a PMS-ing woman; or if you insist on being around her, simply ignore the beast and everything she says and/or does for that duration (although I must warn you – that will piss her off even more). How can you win in this situation? You can’t.

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/lifestyle/cultural/la-wlooo-pms-beauty-the-beast/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

I See Dumb People

I believe it is essential in life for every person to have two things: A hobby and an opinion. Now for some* narrow-minded people who will cling to my every word, I would like to clarify that there are other important things in life as well; but now I will write about (and I repeat) having a hobby and an opinion.
When I got the opportunity to write my own column, I was pleasantly surprised that more than 1000 people in Lebanon actually read; and like every other writer; I have received positive feedback and negative remarks (some that are very politely and respectfully written, and others, . . . well . . . ). Once again, to the narrow-minded ones; I do not mean “read” as in “A-B-C-D-E”, I mean it in the sense that you actually take the time to buy a book that you can: read before sleeping, read on a plane, read while lying down by the pool.
I was even more happy to know that while browsing the internet, some* people decided to navigate away from Facebook, Youtube, poker, and/or porn sites to take a few minutes to read online (it must have been difficult, so good job!). Most Readers understand my point of view, don’t take it too seriously, laugh about it, and move on with their lives. Some* readers though apparently have two-digit IQ’s and cannot comprehend a sentence that exceeds 4 words, so they understand 10 words out of 600, find themselves super offended, and start dreaming up ways of how to make me cry. The closest they can get is something that sounds like this:

“Who you sink you are? you have no right to over-generaleyes, because not all people like zis. best luck for your write because you suck! You suck! You suck! People don’t believe zis *****, hear me instead because iz clear zat I know what I am talk about! . . . You Suck!”
 Signed, Big F to the A to the G.

Oh . . . Shut up . . . and please write this down on a piece of paper and swallow it: “I must learn how to understand what I am reading, in terms of its content and message. I must also take some English classes and learn how to write before I attempt to express another lonely thought through writing. Finally, I must buy my very first book, ‘Freedom of Speech for Dummies’ and acknowledge the fact that I am indeed, a dummy”.

(When someone gives me a remark like the one above, the only pain I feel is from the strain in eyes and brain while I desperately try to understand and decipher what I am reading.)

So, back to the beginning: Hi, my name is Rita Dahdah. I am an average person that loves to express her opinions through writing. Writing is my hobby, and my articles (opinion pieces) will remain MY opinion forever; I promise that they will never become a written law that would forbid some* of you from acting like the idiots that you are.
You don’t have to accept my opinion, but you must respect it (it is part of being civilized). If you have something to say, start a blog and spread the word.
Food for thought #1: even if there’s no law against the behavior I am mocking, reasonable people will still laugh at it.
Food for thought #2: if some* of you find yourselves awfully offended after reading something I wrote, it is quite probable that you fall right into the category I am mocking (even if you have super-duper English and a three-digit IQ, you are not entitled to be a “holier than thou” philosophizer who feels the need to argue about air).
That being said, I want to thank all of you who are reading “La Wlooo” on a weekly basis, and I hope that you’re enjoying reading it as much as I’m enjoying writing it.
Lebanon has so much talent; whether it’s an upcoming designer, painter, sculptor, singer, actor (you know, the interesting jobs that make NO money in this country), let’s support each other, help each other fulfill our dreams, and show the world what Lebanon is really made of.
Peace everyone; keep your hearts beautiful and your minds drama-free.

*some: this precaution was taken so that some people don’t end up getting a gum inflammation because of over-generalization.

 “When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it.” Madonna

Fighting Football Fever

Lebanese Football fans gave a whole new meaning to the FIFA World Cup 2010. Here are the guidelines they followed in order to transform football fever into a tribal battle.

1. You are either a German or Brazilian Fan: because you have no knowledge of football whatsoever and no clue about what other teams are playing.

If you are a German fan, you have the right to be angry (not sure why), and hold up a German flag or preferably a Nazi flag (because God forbid that Lebanese people go one day without affiliating everything with some form of politics).

“How can you not love the home of Mercedes Benz, BMW, Michael Shumaker, and Hitler?” said a German fan. Jeez, such deep relevance! Bear in mind that 80% of these hardcore fans have never been to Germany and are in no way linked to the country.

If you are a Brazilian fan, there is no need for a sweater. If you get cold, just wrap a Brazilian flag around your shoulders. You are the cheery, samba-dancing, ‘carnaval’ folk that wears yellow to every game, so that street lights (and/or the sun) aren’t needed anymore. You tell tales of how babies in Rio play football in the sand every day before they learn to walk. “Have you ever been to Brazil?” “Oh no, but I’ll be going in 2014 for the next World Cup – and my great, great, great grandmother is Brazilian”, said a delusional Brazilian fan.

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/news/la-wlooo-fighting-football-fever/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.