And Then Man "Evolved" Into Ape

It starts with Harry meeting Sally. Sally is not very interested at first but figures, “what the heck have I got to lose?” (Well Sally, you are in for a lovely surprise). Harry detects that he is more interested than Sally so he tries his best to woo her by calling every day, talking to her on the phone for hours, picking her up, taking her out to nice dinners, taking care of the bill, introducing her to his circle of friends, family members, doing those little sweet gestures that would melt any girl’s heart, and then blah. 

By blah, I mean everything else that follows when Harry’s mask comes off. As Lana Turner once said, “A gentleman is simply a patient wolf”. Every man will pretend to be the perfect guy until he a) gets bored, b) gets what he wants (and this could range from sex, to falling in love, to getting it up his ass), or c) gets COMFORTABLE. Once Harry secures Sally’s interest and realizes that she is just as interested as he is (or maybe more), he will start to act comfortable (and by comfortable, I mean he will transform into a complete disgusting and inconsiderate slob/pig/primate). In this blog entry, I would like to emphasize on the signs of comfort – To state a few:

Harry starts calling less: apparently now, he has more work, less time, and has to sleep earlier – he will even give Sally the “my phone bill was too high last month”. (Umm, why wasn’t this a problem before?) My advice to Harry here is, maintain the same frequency from the beginning because Sally’s ears are never pleased to hear that a phone bill is more important than calling her. Further into the relationship, Sally requires more attention from Harry, not less (you morons).

Harry tells Sally to meet him instead of going to pick her up: is petrol the issue now? Not quite. He just can’t be bothered because he is not aiming to please anymore – he knows that silly Sally will get into her car and drive all the way to see his sorry ass. What Harry doesn’t know, is that Sally now prefers driving down in her car so that she can leave whenever she starts feeling like castrating or beheading hairy Harry.

Harry starts burping and farting in front of Sally: This is a complete NO-NO!!!  Although Sally is a burper herself and enjoys it, most girls DON’T. This brings me to FARTING; I am sure no girl on the planet will tolerate that, not even silly Sally.
For example, Jockstrap eventually started releasing gas in front of me and was certain that I should be honored to bask in the ambiance of his farts because I was one of the chosen few that he could be himself around (please do NOT be yourself in this case) – no girl is looking to date a Homer Simpson.
Sadly enough, Harry does think that Sally should be flattered when he does this because it means he is comfortable (Congratulations Sally, Harry is now a pig). Ok Harry, this may come as a shock to you, but horrible odors have never been and will never be flattering to Sally’s ego, you idiot. The boys may find this charming, but Sally is a girl – if you are aiming to charm men, please switch to dating them instead and make the world a better place.

Harry prefers staying in with Sally: Instead of taking Sally out to dinner and a movie, Harry prefers staying in to scratch his balls and ass, order food, and watch some boring as frick DVD. His way of saying it would be, “I feel like cuddling up on the couch with you tonight – no people around, just you and I” - Remember that anything with a penis cannot be this honest or gay. Sally personally loves staying in and renting a DVD and ordering food, but unfortunately, this scenario has only gone in one direction for Sally: Harry falls asleep, snoring, while watching the movie as Sally plays Sudoku, wishing that she were at the beach with someone that looks like Gerard Butler.
Harry complains about how Sally stopped fixing herself up for him when they reached a certain level of comfort. Well, Sally doesn’t exactly enjoy walking around in 7 inch heels all the time, wearing mascara, blush, and tight clothes – if Harry wants Sally to dress up, he should make sure there is an occasion that makes it worthwhile!

Harry’s actions don’t support his words: Harry probably watches too many movies so he learns a lot of lines and thus, says the sweetest words - yet he does the stupidest, most awful things (how comfortable/lazy has Harry become?). It’s very simple: Sally should never listen to a single word Harry says, she should pay attention to what he does instead. Men used to wage wars, invade countries, and cross oceans to win a woman’s heart – all we’re left with now are Pansies who think that a bouquet of roses and three cheesy words “I love you” would suffice (excuse me while I vomit).

Harry becomes the king of pathetic excuses: for every stupid thing he does, there’s an even stupider excuse for why he did it. Mind you, Harry is either genuinely stupid, or he is faking his stupidity because he believes that in fact, Sally is.
For example, I once called Couscous and he didn’t call back until half a day later. At that point I had semi-lost my mind and was sure that he was cheating. His excuse was, “if I called my mother and she didn’t pick up, I wouldn’t think she’s cheating, would I? Would I?!” (SERIOUSLY?!?!)

Okay now boys, there is one thing you must understand: if you want your woman to continue being a lady around you (and not become your mother) you must not turn into a child, and you must NEVER compare her to your mother. No woman enjoys babysitting and NO woman enjoys mama’s boys or Man-ginas (a man with a vagina).

After Harry has transformed into the infant that is himself, there’s no turning back unless he realizes that Sally has lost all her love and respect for him. Sally has unfortunately come to realize at this point of her life that the minute she starts respecting a man, he stops respecting her – and the moment she truly starts to love him, he will stop loving her.

T.I.I.R.D. and I decided to take things slow. According to me (and anyone with a brain), that involves taking baby steps in every aspect: whether it’s emotional or physical. After a couple of months of “dating” T.I.I.R.D., the phone calls kept decreasing, and whenever he called he would say the cheesiest, corniest, most sexual things (this is a very big Turn-off boys!) and I realized that he wanted to take everything slow except the physical part. (Here’s a word of advice boys, stimulate a girl’s mind before you start groping her with your crazy hands!). Naturally, I was so appalled and so I decided to have a little discussion with him to inform him that I’ll be staying away from his crazy hands from now on. His rebuttal was, “we are not on the same level and I cannot be one-dimensional”. If there are any retards that can translate that for me, I’d be very grateful because no guy is allowed to say something that stupid. After hearing that, I felt like I was 13 again in the play ground while my boyfriend’s best friend is trying to break up with me on his behalf. Mind you, T.I.I.R.D. is a genuinely good guy – so imagine my shock and disappointment. (What is this world coming to?!)

When I was younger, my relationships were a lot more successful than they are now simply because I didn’t care and had no respect for any guy I know. At some point, I decided that it’s disrespectful to treat men like dirt, so I started respecting the man I’m with and focused on giving and not only receiving. That backfired because I forgot one major fact: men love to suffer –they love bitches, whether they want to admit it or not. I have always made fun of the younger generation of girls that I know, but as King Kong once told me, these are the girls that are doing it right - they are beautiful, selfish, materialistic, superficial, and ungrateful. The biggest proof I have is that all the good girls I know are single and all the bitches are either in relationships, engaged, or married.
Whatever happened to being a lady and getting a gentleman versus being a bitch and getting an asshole?  . . . . (?!?!?!?!)
So, why do men love bitches? Simply because they’re dogs (or wish they were).

“As long as you know men are like children, you know everything!” Coco Chanel