Facebook Use or Facebook Abuse?

I consider myself to be a heavy facebook user:
I view my account 3 or 4 times a day because God forbid I am not up-to-date on every single pathetic incident happening in the lives of my 588 friends – 500 of which are absolutely useless to me (Hey! Don’t judge me for saying that because I am sure you have the same opinion regarding your friends’ list).

Furthermore, when I am interested in finding out something spicy about a certain person (whether he/she is my friend or not), I will dissect everything in their profile from photos, to friends, to all the wall posts I can read…and all the rest of the nonsense that I can feast my eyes on.
For instance, a couple of nights ago Bambi and I stayed up for hours “phone-facebooking” (the process of dissecting a person’s life with another party via facebook and phone simultaneously) and yes, three hours into the conversation we had found out everything we needed to know about our John Doe - including making jokes about his photos, poses, and nose.
Creepy isn’t it? I know you’ve done it too, and I know almost every facebook user has done it at least once (and at least one of these users has done it to you).
As disappointed as I am with my facebook obsession, I was even more surprised to discover that there are some people who have surpassed my madness by light-years!

Take this girl, Bimbo Barbie, who will literally update you 375 times about when and where she is traveling to weeks before she leaves. By the time she gets there, she will update you 43 times per day on what she’s doing and on how much she is enjoying her oh so NOT interesting activities.

“Bimbo Barbie is eating. Bimbo Barbie is shopping. Bimbo Barbie is taking a nap. Bimbo Barbie is yawning after her nap. Bimbo Barbie just broke a nail. Bimbo Barbie is missing Brain Dead Barbie. Bimbo Barbie is tired from updating her status every 2.5 milliseconds.” Well, you get the sad picture.

By the time Bimbo Barbie returns from her lovely trip, she goes ahead and uploads 6 albums, containing 100 photos each, documenting her every footstep – and by that I mean EVERY footstep (she pictures the shoes too, so that you can visualize the footsteps).  

Speaking of status updates, one of my personal favorites goes a little like this:

“Suzy sunshine is sssssoooooooooooooooo buuuusssyyyyyyyyyyyy – I don’t even have time to breathe!!!”

Seriously?

Pardon me, but isn’t that a little confusing? Suzy Sunshine is too busy to breathe and she clearly seems very cranky about it, but she still makes sure to take the time to log on facebook and update that status so that life can make sense again - Hats down to Suzy Sunshine.

I have also noticed that a number of girls like to buy new attire, take pictures, and upload them to facebook –christening the new wardrobe – that way, no outfit goes to waste. (?!?!?) I still cannot understand that concept, because if I meet someone for the first time, and I happen to be wearing the same shirt from my profile picture, I will die a thousand times when and if they add me on facebook. Don’t these girls want to wear those clothes again and again and again?

Most girls suffer from vanity (including myself), and this explains the amount of uploaded facebook photos, the posing, and the “I love myself” portraits. What I cannot tolerate though is men posing and uploading 836 “in love with myself” photos! Bambi could not believe the photos I showed her of a previous acquaintance of mine, Gaylord – water dripping down body, posing in Speedos, flexing the muscles, and so on.
To all men out there: Please, this is not cool! If I wanted to stare at a muscle-flexing naked man in all his chauvinistic glory, I would simply fly myself over to Florence and gaze upon Michelangelo’s David.

Oh yes, and good old Farmville – People please, enough Farmville photos, updates, and astonishment as to how you grew a field of tomatoes in two days. How bored are you? And what is the logic behind this annoyingly useless application? (Really, sarcasm aside, I’d love to know.)

This brings me to my final bafflement: The relationship status.
Nala is single.  Nala is in a relationship. Nala is single. Nala is in a relationship with Mufasa. Nala is single. Nala is in a relationship with Mufasa. Nala is single. Nala is in a relationship with Simba. Nala is in a relationship with Mufasa. Nala is single. Nala is engaged to Simba.

Ahem, don’t mean to burst any bubbles, but no one CARES who Nala is dating, loving, hating, or breaking up with. Single people don’t care or desire to know when others are in relationships or even better, getting engaged! And happy couples definitely do not need the evil eye of the angry bitter single people casting curses on their happy and gay lives. Let’s chill a smidgen with all of that, okay?

Maybe it’s just me, but isn’t that just a wee bit too much information people are putting out there?

Take real life for example (remember what that is? It involves sunshine, people, with real hands and feet - and yes, they speak. It involves blue skies, starry nights, little birdies - and yes they chirp), if you met someone new, you would want to preserve some air of mystery - you know - to make yourself seem more intriguing, more interesting. You simply cannot meet Fernando or Paola and spill your guts out from day one, because they would go running for the hills.

“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.” Albert Einstein