From Dating to Darting

 

For many people in Lebanon who are searching for “The One”, the term dating is not so popular or should I say, understood. You are either single or in a relationship.

On the other hand, I, among many others, prefer dating first before deciding on whether or not to be “officially involved with the person in the eyes of the general public.” This process prevents you from being labeled as a jumper: “someone who jumps from one relationship to the next”, as Genius once told me after one of my break ups.

Sadly enough, the dating game has turned into a darting game for me, where I constantly find myself unable to resist darting out of the door the very minute my “Date” starts eating, talking, or trying to woo me. As excruciating as it is though, dating is still an essential stage to determine who is worthy of holding your hand, or who is remaining a name on your phone book.

My top three dates from hell (from the ones I recall) are as follows:

Once I was on a double date (that’s how hesitant I was) with Kung Fu Panda, and he was eating so fast and so furiously that he broke into a sweat! I could swear that I saw his neck pulsating and about to explode. I offered him some napkins and asked him to take a break before he chokes himself to death. The other couple could not resist laughing, and he could not resist devouring the last of his food. As disgusted as I was, I decided to finish dinner, simply for the sake of being polite – it was the correct thing to do after all, right? WRONG! After quite a few glasses of wine, he decided to make a detour instead of dropping me home to go up to a certain Monastery and pray! (Forgive me God) but what was he thinking?! As I stood there in shock, smoking my cigarette and trying not to crack up laughing, He gave me an evil stare that said “you are a horrible person and you are going straight to hell.” Yes, I was the one being judged after that wonderful evening.

During another splendid evening, I was having dinner with Jock Strap when he asked me to pick the wine. As I knew more about wine than he did, I began to browse through the wine list until I found the perfect bottle. To our dismay, the waiter informed us that the wine was unavailable and suggested another wine that should be to our liking. As I disagreed, Jock Strap insisted on trying that ridiculously over priced bottle because “his lady deserves the best”. To my lack of surprise, the wine was terrible. I continued my meal with a Coca Cola light, and did not even attempt to insult my taste buds with that sickening acid-like red liquid. On the other hand, Jock Strap made sure to finish the bottle down to the last drop while trying to convince me to drink it up as well – I resisted all attempts.
As the bill arrived, he pulled out his mobile phone and began calculating each and every item thoroughly and after a good 3 minutes of painstaking investigation, he uttered these lovely words, “you just had to order the most expensive bottle of wine on the menu now, didn’t you? Didn’t you? – Ha Ha Ha”. I was baffled, shocked, and horrified. I insisted on paying the bill and reminded him that it was his decision to order the wine in question, to which he responded, “I would never let a lady pay!” and there you have it!

Another horror story involved a colleague who I got reacquainted with. Tiny Tim picked me up in a very big car, and upon stepping out of it, I lost him. He was short to the extent that I could have probably rested my elbow at the top of his head. I was fresh out of a relationship and still in love/heartbroken so I made it clear to Tiny Tim that I am just interested in making new friends (he would have to be at least 1 meter taller to qualify for a potential boyfriend). During dinner, he started glaring at my watch and then said something that he must have thought was super smart, “That watch is from your Ex, isn’t it?” I told him it is, thinking nothing more of the subject.
Into the evening it seemed like he had something new and enlightening to say, so I asked him why he was turning purple and that was when he exploded. “How could you still be wearing a watch from your ex-boyfriend? Who do you think I am? I will not allow my woman to insult me like this. If I am important to you, you will throw it away now and I will buy you a new and very expensive one instead”, he blurted. Clearly I could not and did not react. I simply asked him to order the bill – anything I would further say or do would be of no significance because the psycho was apparently already convinced that we were soon to be engaged.
His final words to me as he was driving me home were, “WHY?! WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME? I am rich, good looking, and every girl I know would die to be with me!” I cried with laughter that night.

I have learnt that in the matters of the heart, taking things slowly and living each stage at a time will always provide better chances at succeeding.
Everyone is weird, and we each have a unique weirdness about us. Some weirdness is cute, even magnetic, but letting it all out too soon is just too much to digest. Self Control and Spontaneity both used in the right amounts result in magic - Every once in a while, we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, and “we fall into mutual weirdness”, and it makes all the bad experiences worth it.

“Slow but steady wins the race.” Aesop