Lose Weight, Feel Sexy, Love Chocolate!

As the New Year dawns on us, we bid farewell to the festive season and not so eagerly welcome the extra pounds that we’ve put on thanks to all the food, alcohol, and bûche de noel. I for one enjoyed overdrinking and overeating like a jolly pig every night for three weeks as if Armageddon was approaching . . . I guess a little too much celebrating, too little exercise, and dose of karma (since I always mock fat people) caught up with me a couple of weeks ago – and while I was in denial, believing that I was suffering from a major case of water retention, the reality of the situation (a.k.a. my jeans) proved that I had simply gained weight! I noticed that so many people I know were going through the same thing and are now running to the gym and to their dietician for some hardcore damage control, “yiii, yaaayyyyy, ya allah, I must lose my extra weight . . . before summer . . . so I can wear my swimming suit”.(lame much?)
I shall call this “a sensitive time” during which we should all show some compassion for each others’ mishap and try to watch our words and behavior as much as we can to avoid tears, anger, and misunderstandings. I for one, vow to not make fun of any fat person anymore . . . at least until this “sensitive time” is over.

Don’t offer a fat kid chocolate cake: These words of wisdom are helpful to every weight-watcher out there. The worst thing you can do to a dieting person is to offer them anything that looks, sounds, or tastes delicious. Same applies to you – if you have a certain friend who knows you’re on a diet, yet doesn’t cease to offer you sugar and spice and all that’s nice, it can only mean one of two things: 1) Your friend is an insensitive, selfish swine who is inconsiderate about your feelings and your cravings. 2) Your friend is devising a master plan to purposely prevent you from losing your extra weight. In any case, stay away from the cake-feeder. In case you’re a cake-feeder yourself, trust that you are hated by so many.

Don’t offer vodka to an alcoholic: Let’s face it, most people would stop eating for 3 days in order to binge drink a bottle of vodka – especially when they’re on a “strict diet” (what a way to puncture a hole in your stomach). If you know you have a love affair with bottles of booze, simply stay away from them or limit your drinking to once a week. There is no way that you can be at a bar or a club, surrounded by alcohol-guzzling friends (while you’re sitting there like an old geezer) and not feel the temptation to sneak a sip* (*five drinks). The next day you will only wake up with a headache and a guilty conscience, so steer clear of the booze!  In case you’re one of those “Know-it-all” morons who insist that alcohol doesn’t make you gain weight, I’d love it if you could also try to disprove the law of gravity – since you’re so darn bright.

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/featured/la-wlooo-lose-weight-feel-sexy-love-chocolate/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

Facebook Is Out Of Control!

Every Monday, I post a link to my column on hundreds a few of my friends’ walls, and recently, I must have pissed someone off (Mark Zuckerberg perhaps?) and have lost my “posting URL’s” privileges (I know, what the f***, right?). I received several warnings that my “behavior may be considered abusive to others” and that I may be a spammer or something of the sort (a Facebook robot perhaps) and let me tell you this: I have never been more offended IN-MY-LIFE!
It gets better; even my regular posts are being monitored now and I am not allowed to write words such as: “F***, S***, God, or Hell”. I once wrote the word God and received a warning that said “your comment cannot be posted as some of its content may be considered abusive to others” – oh well, sorry Facebook!! I’m sorry, I didn’t know that so many devil worshippers were monitoring my profile and felt offended when I mentioned God! It’s not possible for anyone to hate Facebook more than I do, and after this, I am waging war (against a social network that only exists in my life because I am so pathetically addicted to it). Since Facebook is complaining about my behavior, I would like to return the favor.

Facebook is Nosy: you are asked to provide information about your phone number, home town, current city of residence, job CV, siblings, parents, birthday, who and what you are interested in – Jeez! What’s next, my shoe size? Facebook also wants to know what I’m planning, places I’ve checked in, and wants me to track who is on Facebook because of me. With the new “See Friendship” button, we can all agree that you can find out anything you want about two selected friends and write a full investigative report about their lives. Let’s not forget that most of these people are only best friends on Facebook, and have probably seen each other twice in the past 5 years. Thanks to these invasive informative techniques, I can now receive 500 “Happy Birthday” messages from people who completely forgot I exist – thank you Facebook.

Facebook is Creepy: What’s up with the “photo memories”? I have old photos (of when I was 10 kgs LARGER) that I have erased from my memory; but unfortunately, Facebook hasn’t forgotten about them. Every 2 or 3 days, I see a familiar round, pudgy face staring back at me from the upper right corner of my Facebook page . . . WTF?! The upper right corner also brings you ancient photos of your friends (also looking very bizarre) and I always wonder what the point of that is. I also wonder how many of my “friends” saved my ugly photos only to circulate and laugh about them. The worst is when a stalker steals one or more of these wretched photos to create a fake profile.
What I hate most is the horror of connecting to Facebook applications. For example “Tag ‘em may access my data when I’m not using the application” – Umm yes, I really want the Tag ‘em team snooping through my computer while I’m sound asleep at night. After contacting Tag ‘em, it was clarified that all they wanted is access to my Facebook account in order to publish the questions I’ve just answered. Cheers to how Facebook frightened the daylights out of me with its warning message though. 

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/featured/la-wlooo-facebook-is-out-of-control/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

Dear Dirty Mind...

 Dear Iceberg,
Sorry about global warming…. karma sucks.
Sincerely ,
The Titanic .

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely,
1985 

 

After reading the very funny “dear X sincerely Y” jokes (like the above) that have been circulating around for the past week, I was inspired to write my own version of them as an homage to the pre-internet days when people actually bought stamps, letterheads, and envelopes and wrote to others (by hand) – or, as a reason to be random and stupid. Here is my humble contribution:

Dear Billboards,

I miss the days when people actually noticed me . . . before you infested every inch of Lebanon.

Sincerely,

Traffic Lights

Dear Lebanese Policemen,

If all the world’s policemen were like you, we wouldn’t have had hits like Bad Boys, Lethal Weapon, and Beverly Hills Cop.

Ps. Your “Keresh” is unjustifiable, un-sexy, and uncalled for – diet.

Sincerely,

Hollywood

Dear Lebanese Politicians,

Kindly, each, answer our survey’s questions:

a)      Were you breastfed as a child?

b)      Did you get your fair share of playtime on the monkey bars?

c)       Do you have a problem with the size of your penis?

Sincerely,

The NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health)

Dear Penis,

You have taken away all my spotlight, credibility, and importance. Thank you for ruining my reputation . . . forever.

Sincerely,

The Male Brain

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/featured/la-wlooo-dear-dirty-mind/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

The Superglue Ex-Girlfriend

One thing I will never understand is how some women can stoop lower than dirt just to get some male attention. The worst of these are the Ex-Girlfriends, especially when they are YOUR man’s ex. Whether it’s your boyfriend, Fiancé, or husband, I am sure he has (or had) an Ex-girlfriend that manages to cling to him like superglue. It is sad because you question the purpose of her existence, apart from harassing you and your man. It is annoying because she is so thick-headed, she can’t seem to understand when to f*** off. It is pathetic because you can’t help but feel pity for such a stupid and weak creature. It is funny because you and your man can laugh about her clinginess for hours while she is still holding on to an unrealistic inkling of hope.

 

I will demonstrate a few scenarios that my girlfriends and I have experienced with the psychotic, drama queen, Ex-girlfriends of our men.

The Drunken Dialer: She will go out with some friends, try to enjoy her night as she realizes that she is a lonely desperate soul in need of a man’s attention. She refuses to acknowledge the idea that “her” man is no longer hers, but is in fact in love with another woman; and thus the psychopath b**** ex-girlfriend drunk dials your man’s number  at a very late hour and screams speaks:

“OOOHHHHHHHH *sob* *weep* *sniffle*!!! I miss you so muchhhhh!! Why did you leave me, WHYYY? Why don’t you love me anymore?? I can’t stop thinking about you!! We are meant to be together! I LOVE YOUUUUUU!!! *cough* *roar* Why are you with that b****???? What does she have that I don’t?!?!”

…Freak…

At this point, neither you nor your man can believe how pathetic, stupid, and sad this girl is and while you are seriously considering kicking her ass, your man must call or text her and say the following (no matter how blunt or hurtful it may sound):

“Please do not call me in the future if you plan on making a fool of yourself. I cannot tolerate this clingy, pathetic behavior and I would prefer not to lose all my respect for you. Not only are you bothering me, but you are bothering my girlfriend as well. What does she have that you don’t? A brain and dignity. What we had was great but it is over; please move on. ”

Unfortunately this is the only way that the clingy ex will understand because if your man continues being nice, she will only mistake his sweetness for false hopes.

The Psychotic Stalker: She will add your man to her BBM contact list. She will make sure to drive past his house at least 3 times per day. She will put all her friends on watch so that they keep bringing her his latest updates. She will lurk around the places he goes to (cafés, restaurants, gym, bars, etc.). She will also cling to your man’s friends in the hopes that she will in some way be closer to him, and try to use them as a means to get back to him. She will do all of this simply because her peanut-sized brain cannot comprehend that she had a life before him and can continue having a life without him in it.

At this point, I say go out and buy a nice pair of gloves and slap that b**** right across her face. Who knows, it could help her snap back to reality. If you are looking for a less aggressive approach, ask your man to tell her the following:

“Since you have become my shadow and turned my life into a horror movie, I am asking you to please stop before I am forced to file a restraining order against you. I would have loved to stay friends, but I firmly believe that crazy people belong in a mental institute. Please stop harassing my friends too because you have put all of them in a very awkward position – some of them are changing their phone number and possibly their home address so that you have no way to contact them again. I have moved on and it would be great if you could do the same because I would like to keep a nice memory of you.”

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/featured/la-wlooo-the-superglue-ex-girlfriend/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

Wish To Be A Fish In 2011

The New Year brings with it new promises, new expectations, and new beginnings; it’s always an excuse to put aside a pessimistic attitude and find hope in what lies ahead. It reminds me of the “Monday Diet” – the diets that are always intended to start on Monday; I’m guessing this is because of reluctance and laziness to take hold of your life and take action now. It’s the same thing for January the 1^st; the “new you” starts on this magical day. Resolutions must be kept, changes must be made, and attitudes must be positive – and this all works out until February the 1^st, where people have just about had enough of their fake promises and realize that the days are simply continuing as they were; and no magical unicorn will appear on a rainbow and make our lives absolutely fabulous. Nevertheless, every year’s end and beginning are filled with the same timeless traditions.

The “I will lose weight” resolution: I know a few people who weigh a bit less than their car, yet they always insist that the New Year will bring them self-control, patience, and tolerance to lose all the extra tons kilos; so they embark on a 3 week diet that is ceased by uncontrollable binging after the New Year Fever has subsided). They then ask themselves why a 3 week diet made them even fatter; a 33 week diet could do the trick though.

The “I will change my life” resolution: To a sane person, changing one’s life usually involves drastic and substantial adjustments. In Lebanon, it generally means changing one’s car, phone number, hair color, ringtone, or subscribe to the blackberry service. I do have to respect goals like these though, because mediocrity is so easily achieved. Why shoot for the moon when you already think you’re the center of the universe?

The “I will get married” resolution: Why all this focus on getting married and getting engaged? Of course, if two people have been together for a while now, it is only logical to take it to the next step. The trend now though, is to meet someone, get engaged within a month, and married within six. Why the rush? I’ve never heard of a 21 year old girl becoming infertile, and haven’t heard of a decent man becoming extinct. So, to all you wedlock wannabes, the clock is ticking; you have until June to have found the person stupid ready enough to dive into a life-long pact with someone like you* (*who is desperate enough to marry just about anyone, anytime…with a stable bank account).

The “I will get rich” resolution: Fair enough, I respect ambition – I just don’t believe that someone can get rich by sitting on the couch and waiting for the lottery results. Gambling (Texas Hold ‘em to be precise) is for losers with nothing better to do; so if that’s your way of making money, I congratulate your parents on bringing you into this world – a great contribution indeed. Marrying into money also doesn’t count (especially if you’re a lazy bum who dreams of taking over his father-in-law’s company and milking it dry). Also, a big dream minus implementation equals The “I will be a loser” resolution. 

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/featured/la-wlooo-wish-to-be-a-fish-in-2011/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.