It is very possible that I have exhausted the subject of civility regarding the “people” I am forced to come across every day of my existence, but it is justifiable considering the sad truth that these rude/discourteous/foul/loud/unmannerly/uncivil people exist by the millions and seem to be multiplying at an unstoppable pace . . . somewhat like the plague – which is what I ought to call them from now on. Yes, the Plague.
This plague that I speak of is the uncivilized caveman (or woman) that you inevitably run into in the parking lot, supermarket, petrol station, cinema, and sometimes even in the public toilets where their creepy behavior seems to interlock and strengthen with the disgusting odors they release from their cavities.
Being sick and sedated from heavy prescription medication for the past two weeks oddly made me only more aware of this medieval mode de vie and I wished that a manual for proper behavior existed; something titled “How Not to Live Like a Pig”, and after searching for such a book and not finding one, I am taking the liberty of writing down a few guidelines for some of the pigs out there who may one day consider transforming into human beings.
Being sick and sedated from heavy prescription medication for the past two weeks oddly made me only more aware of this medieval mode de vie and I wished that a manual for proper behavior existed; something titled “How Not to Live Like a Pig”, and after searching for such a book and not finding one, I am taking the liberty of writing down a few guidelines for some of the pigs out there who may one day consider transforming into human beings.
Note to Pigs: Common courtesy was created so that person A can interact with person B and person C (and etc.) without killing each other.
On that note, the concept of standing in line was created so that each person has his own rightful turn. There is no “wasta” in standing in line; and no, you may not barge through if you sound or look angrier than the rest. Your uncivilized, impatient being must simply wait it out until it’s your turn; your time and existence are in no way more valuable than the rest of the people lined up – you are not a semi-god. Also, to those of you who stink: SHOWER! We are not obliged to bask in the revolting odor of your stinking armpits. Let’s all fight against pollution.When you are in such a hurry to enter an elevator, please let the people inside exit first. You are not paper thin and if your parents taught you any manners, you’d be aware of this pleasant gesture. And no, you may not allow the door to slam on a person’s face. Holding the door for someone is not like donating a kidney; it’s a very quick and simple procedure – try it.
Thank you for making a visit to the supermarket become like a visit to the underworld where I have to fight demons and zombies before I reach to the deodorant aisle. I understand it may be torment for you to choose the ideal box of cornflakes or shampoo, but it would be great if you parked your cart somewhere other than the middle of the passageway where you will inevitably create a “traffic jam” and of course begin a feud over who has the right of passage. To the next person who does this to me: I will not hesitate to smash a can of beans right into your face.
Lebanese mothers are the worst. I will allow myself to be chauvinistic and sexist by saying that you truly do belong at home and nowhere else. You must not be allowed to drive or shop or function outside your household. No one cares about your annoying baby’s fat cheeks, but if it’s crying for hours you better shut it up before someone else does. A crying, screaming child is not cute; it is frustrating. Keep it at home the next time you choose to venture into civilization. Dogs aren’t allowed into malls, yet they are ten times more bearable than screeching children . . . think about it. Also, your “baby on Board” bumper sticker does not justify you driving like a vision-impaired Sasquatch.To continue reading, please follow this link:
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