Lifestyles Of The "CLASSE" And The Cavemen

 I love Lebanon; always have, always will. As much as we complain about the silly behavior, lifestyles, and traditions of many Lebanese people, nothing will probably ever change. So, deep down I’m glad that we’re all so crazy and thankful that I have something different to laugh about every day. To those of you who don’t understand the concept of “sarcasm”, please stop reading here and spare yourselves from feeling offended over nothing. 

 How to be “CLASSE” a la Libanaise

Always remember, everything in Lebanon is about being classy or “CLASSE”. You should eat at classy restaurants, wear classy shoes, and even buy your mobile phone from Class and get ripped off or else it wouldn’t be the real deal.

You should always look angry while driving or walking (all three expression lines on your forehead must be visible). God forbid people see you with a smile on your face – they’d think you’re a peasant and “mish CLASSE”.

If you’re a woman, you must walk around like you’re smelling sh** and make it clear to everyone around you that they are lucky to bask in your “CLASSE” existence.
If you’re married, spend your afternoons at the ABC mall as you enjoy limping walking around with high heels on your feet and a stick up your a**. Your Filipino slave maid must be racing after you, carrying all the bags while she watches over your two little monsters who do not have one polite bone in their body because their “CLASSE” mama forgot to do one little thing: be a good mama.
If you’re single, spend your afternoons searching for a “CLASSE” boyfriend according to his daddy’s dollars (doesn’t matter if it’s dirty money . . . money = “CLASSE”). Once you meet this “CLASSE” boyfriend, tell him that you are a virgin (even if you’re not) because only virgins are “CLASSE”. Your nails must always be manicured and your eyebrows always tweezed or the “CLASSE” boyfriend will leave you (yes those are very important criteria for being “CLASSE”).

If you’re a man, you should always have a nonchalant attitude and an expression on your face that says “I am a billionaire that rules the world. Come, worship me,” even if you’re the biggest loser/poser/fake, people will be impressed by your “CLASSE-ness”. If anyone defies you, you must shout “Bta3rif ana min bkoun?!” (ah yes, you’re that piece of bird crap that’s been stuck on my windshield for two days).
 You must have a table at a trendy “CLASSE” club every Saturday night and invite only “CLASSE” people to be seen with you. No table? No way! The manager is your friend and he’ll crap a table out for your royal highness.
 A cigar might help you look good too – don’t worry about your breath smelling like dirty socks or about the fact that you’re sucking on something shaped like a penis cylinder. . . just sayin’.
Explain to your girlfriend that she must act “CLASSE” when she’s with you in public; she must laugh in a very low voice, talk to only “CLASSE” people, and not say “Hi” to anyone unless they say “Hi” first.
In brief, all behavior must be planned, constipated, and rehearsed in front of your mirror at least 5 times before you kiss your bovine divine reflection and leave your house. 

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http://www.beirutnightlife.com/featured/la-wlooo-lifestyles-of-the-classe-and-the-cavemen

I am currently writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!" on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.