No Sex In The Champagne Room

As the most overhyped best night of the year is only days away, my mind wanders back to the New Year’s Eve parties of the years past and I realize that I didn’t enjoy almost any of them. It’s always a quest to go out and buy the perfect dress, the perfect shoes to go with them, get the nails done, the hair done, go with the perfect date and group of friends, go to the perfect venue – by the time I’m there, I’m exhausted, and it ends up sucking because of all the high expectations. This year, I decided to take on a very simple approach – it is not NYE, it is a NLAO (Night Like Any Other).
To those of you who never enjoyed the NYE’s of the years past, here are some tips on how to make this one different.

For Her:

Tip #1: Forget about being the queen of the prom. Prom night is over – on NYE there will be other pretty girls and other pretty dresses so don’t pop a vein in order to look your best. You will only end up scouring the venue for competition instead of enjoying your time.
Oh, and please don’t have a b**** fit in the ladies’ room if you find out that another girl is wearing the same dress as you – everyone will be too drunk to care notice; and last I heard, the center of the universe is the sun (not you).
So please, no posing, no skanky behavior, and no b***hy attitudes because someone might just be drunk enough and waiting for you in the ladies’ room, just to shove your head down a toilet bowl.

Tip #2: If you are single, please do not turn this NYE party into a man-hunting ceremony. While you may be looking for love, your “Peasant Prince Charming” will just be looking for sex fun. Fairy tales must end when you grow breasts and start menstruating; hence, the Cinderella/Prince/Glass slipper situation will not magically reoccur with you this NYE. Although God is busy attending to more important issues, maybe Santa Claus can help:
Dear Santa,
The Holiday season is almost over and the wonderful excess of men will once again become an immense shortage. I am desperately seeking a husband, one that is rich successful, rich charming, and rich good-looking. Please send him to me this NYE as it is my last chance before the country begins to empty out again. I must make my Mama proud and get married (OR ATLEAST ENGAGED) by this summer.
Yours Truly,
The Desperate “Virgin”

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/featured/la-wlooo-no-sex-in-the-champagne-room/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

Play With Your Golden Balls

Before I wish you all a Merry Christmas (not Xmas), I would just like to recap the events of “the week before Christmas”. Under normal circumstances, I would have admitted myself into a mental institute, but being surrounded by this amount of negative energy, road rage, and rudeness while racing against time (and money) is enough to make anyone go mad! At this point, I think almost everyone is practically out of money, patience, and is in dire need of a foot massage. Instead of spreading fake notions of “holiday cheer” as I promised last week, I think it’s best to face facts that we should find ways of acknowledging “holiday stress” and dealing with it so that Christmas remains a joyful time of the year.

Influx of People: As the amount of people in the country quadruples, the amount of oxygen, space, and patience is non-existent reduced; especially because almost everyone is doing the same thing: Working and shopping during the day, and shopping and partying during the night. People are literally racing to stores to buy the last of each item and nothing will stand in their way. It is kind of hard to race in a traffic jam though; so instead, I watch as people stick their heads out of their car windows and start honking at each other and throwing insults out of their nicotine-stinking mouths -how festive!
I really tried very hard not to let this get to me, but I am just as weak and pathetic as the next guy. I have cursed at (and almost beaten) more people in one week than I have in the past year (Santa, I have been so good this year).
A good way to avoid this is to leave to your destination 2 hours earlier and ask the valet to bring your car at least half an hour before deciding to leave a club or bar. When being harassed by a road-raged driver, simply wind up your car windows and turn up the music (preferably to a cheery, jingly Christmas CD that will drown out the “tatar” insults).

Work: For the working people, dividing time between work and family will most likely end in disaster. Your boss will complain that you’re not meeting deadlines, or not carrying your workload as you should (despite the Godforsaken fact that this is a holiday season; hence, a break from work). During this month, you will be expected to work against the forces of nature (and logic) to achieve the unachievable . . . or listen to how you have no added value whatsoever. You WILL be late for meetings as you try not to pee in your pants during a 4 hour traffic jam; bizarrely enough, your boss will always manage to reach on time and question your traffic story because it’s so hard to believe that traffic is mad in the month of December. A good way to deal with this is to start working 2 hours earlier every , and ignore everything work related after work hours are over; don’t forget that your boss is also under a lot of Christmas stress, and this too shall pass.

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/featured/la-wlooo-play-with-your-golden-balls/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

Hallelujah! The Storm Has Come!

For the past month, almost every Lebanese person has complained at least once that there is no rain Christmas spirit. I have seen people sun tanning by the pool in November (global warming? Nah!) and heard others who made little lame jokes about attending a beach party this New Year’s eve, and most of these thoughts were triggered by the extended summer season that never seemed to end. After we all spent weeks longing for the holiday spirit to arrive, the Christmas lights were finally up on the streets and huge, beautifully lit Christmas trees sprung up in almost every district, planting warmth in people’s hearts.
I, for one, could not wait to go to the malls and observe the colorful, sparkling decoration and lights, but alas, my old and worn out tires did not get me very far. I had promised myself two months ago to get my car serviced before the holiday season, but my laziness got the best of me. Regardless, I decided that no matter what happens in this month of December, I will remain happy, festive, and bright – I also unfortunately decided that my “La Wlooo” will be a happier, more joyful column (for a limited time only of course so that I don’t vomit or kill myself).

 

I joyfully decided to go to the movie theater with Tiger and Pinkie. Upon entering, we were stopped by a handicapped beggar chewing gum salesman who insisted on making me a customer. Pinkie, who had a prior horrible experience (10 years ago) with this rude, ungrateful scoundrel, decided to seek revenge by giving him a 250 L.L. coin; of course I could not let her do this because I had promised myself to be joyful (not spiteful) this season so I proceeded to (generously) give him a 1000 L.L. bill because it was all the spare change I had. To my astonishment, Mr. Hobo threw the chewing gum in my face and started demanding that I pay him at least an additional 1000 L.L. for it. As I tried to keep my composure, I gently explained to him that I could easily buy the same Chiclets chewing gum from any store for only 250 L.L., but he would not stop shouting at me, jerking my arm, and throwing chewing gum at me. In my state of chewing gum attack shock, I turned into a little “lebanesy” airhead and all I could say was “yii, yii, yii, yii, yii, yii, yii, yii?!?!?” until Tiger and Pinkie pulled me away and scolded me for trying to reason with a crazy thief delusional man. Two hours and a movie later, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw the infamous 1000 L.L. bill resting on Tiger’s car, which was the Hobo’s way of telling me “Go f*** yourself!” as he chain smoked his cigarettes and watched us from a distance. Now who would’ve thunk it?!

A couple of days later, still feeling chirpy and warm, I decided to take a short drive down to the Kaslik shopping district to buy my friend a birthday gift while I enjoyed the lights and the overall feeling of Christmas. I had a cup of tea at a nearby café with a couple of friends who implored me to continue shopping by foot because the weather was still dry and cool – so I did just that. I was happy with my thick scarf and t-shirt, feeling that I had made the appropriate choice for the current weather, but as soon as I walked out of the shop, I was drenched with rain and cursing at my girlfriends for urging me to walk. Five minutes later, I was already sneezing in my car when I suddenly realized that I had forgotten my diamond bracelet at the boutique and had to return to claim it – but of course, it was too late (sigh). Well, at least someone stole got a free and beautiful Christmas gift. Getting stuck in hardcore traffic in the midst of a storm, while you’re soaking wet and reminiscing over a stolen bracelet is not the best way to end a day; but it’s still Christmas time and I owe it to myself to remain in the cheery spirit!

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/featured/la-wlooo-hallelujah-the-storm-has-come/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

Bitten By The Plastic Surgery Bug

Appreciating extreme plastic surgery has never been my forte, but it seems that most Lebanese women insist on looking like, a) Michael Jackson, b) some form of animal, c) they’re 30 years younger (in your dreams old mama!), or d) a blowfish with a stick up its tail.
I know many girls who have gotten minor adjustments done to their nose, lips, breasts, etc, and it hasn’t changed how they look, but it has definitely improved how they feel about themselves. Although I prefer taking the “I have more self-confidence” approach, I respect and encourage these girl’s decisions because we live in such a judgmental and superficial society. Of course plastic surgery can improve people’s lives by boosting much needed self confidence, but when it becomes an overdone obsession, it has to stop!

Ms. Anal Retentive got plastic surgery done on her bunion-infested ogre-ugly toes because it always seemed as though she was giving the finger to someone (in her case, giving the toe). After getting a couple of her toes shortened (and her foot size significantly reduced), she met the Mr. ATM Machine of her dreams who hated her breasts and asked for her to enlarge them – and she did. Unfortunately for her, each breast was facing a different angle than the other and they were oddly pear-shaped; but Mr. ATM Machine preferred her new pears breasts to her previous ones simply because they were larger – how pathetic. Of course, when she went on to marry her ATM, Breast-enlarging Shrek, all her brainless girlfriends and her sister copied her every move in order to desperately secure a man (including getting their breasts enlarged). It’s a sad story that ends with Ms. Anal retentive getting botox done all over her face before she turned 27 only to find out that her loving husband (now ex-husband) will never stop cheating (regardless of what breast size she has). If a man ever asks you to enlarge your breasts, ask him to enlarge his penis first, followed by his brain, and then tell him to go pay for a wh**e with big D-cups and get it out of his system.

 

Mrs. Dinosaur Relic cannot come to terms with her real age, so she doesn’t stop harassing her money-hungry plastic surgeon until she looks like a vacuum-packed Michael Jackson (God rest his soul). Mrs. Dinosaur Relic was quite the beauty, but boredom got the best of her and she decided to play with none other than her face (more fun than an iPad). All her other ancient friends had already made the decision of not wanting to grow up gracefully, and she simply followed in their footsteps to the doctor’s clinic. She now scares spectators people wherever she goes because her white, powdered, plastic Halloween mask face makes babies cry, children run, and adults stare while she feels like the hottest babe in town (at 160 60, this is a teeny bit immature). 

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/featured/la-wlooo-bitten-by-the-plastic-surgery-bug/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.