Wish To Be A Fish In 2011

The New Year brings with it new promises, new expectations, and new beginnings; it’s always an excuse to put aside a pessimistic attitude and find hope in what lies ahead. It reminds me of the “Monday Diet” – the diets that are always intended to start on Monday; I’m guessing this is because of reluctance and laziness to take hold of your life and take action now. It’s the same thing for January the 1^st; the “new you” starts on this magical day. Resolutions must be kept, changes must be made, and attitudes must be positive – and this all works out until February the 1^st, where people have just about had enough of their fake promises and realize that the days are simply continuing as they were; and no magical unicorn will appear on a rainbow and make our lives absolutely fabulous. Nevertheless, every year’s end and beginning are filled with the same timeless traditions.

The “I will lose weight” resolution: I know a few people who weigh a bit less than their car, yet they always insist that the New Year will bring them self-control, patience, and tolerance to lose all the extra tons kilos; so they embark on a 3 week diet that is ceased by uncontrollable binging after the New Year Fever has subsided). They then ask themselves why a 3 week diet made them even fatter; a 33 week diet could do the trick though.

The “I will change my life” resolution: To a sane person, changing one’s life usually involves drastic and substantial adjustments. In Lebanon, it generally means changing one’s car, phone number, hair color, ringtone, or subscribe to the blackberry service. I do have to respect goals like these though, because mediocrity is so easily achieved. Why shoot for the moon when you already think you’re the center of the universe?

The “I will get married” resolution: Why all this focus on getting married and getting engaged? Of course, if two people have been together for a while now, it is only logical to take it to the next step. The trend now though, is to meet someone, get engaged within a month, and married within six. Why the rush? I’ve never heard of a 21 year old girl becoming infertile, and haven’t heard of a decent man becoming extinct. So, to all you wedlock wannabes, the clock is ticking; you have until June to have found the person stupid ready enough to dive into a life-long pact with someone like you* (*who is desperate enough to marry just about anyone, anytime…with a stable bank account).

The “I will get rich” resolution: Fair enough, I respect ambition – I just don’t believe that someone can get rich by sitting on the couch and waiting for the lottery results. Gambling (Texas Hold ‘em to be precise) is for losers with nothing better to do; so if that’s your way of making money, I congratulate your parents on bringing you into this world – a great contribution indeed. Marrying into money also doesn’t count (especially if you’re a lazy bum who dreams of taking over his father-in-law’s company and milking it dry). Also, a big dream minus implementation equals The “I will be a loser” resolution. 

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I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.