Facebook Freaks, Be GONE!

Almost all the girls I know have a common curse: Facebook Freaks; the guys that send us the weirdest, most irrelevant Facebook messages, with the worst English spelling and grammar mistakes. Some are funny, some are scary, some are impossible to understand; but all of them remain unanswered. Since Thanksgiving was a few days ago, I thought I’d go through my inbox and give back to all the unanswered freak messages I’ve received in 2010. Why am I doing this? In the hopes that one of these sad, lonely, retards men will read my column and begin to realize why the closest he can get to a female is the cashier lady at the supermarket.
(Please note that any grammar and/or spelling mistakes are purposely left uncorrected to maintain the essence of these men’s suave approaches. Only initials are used to maintain privacy)

 

E.A.wrote: Hi, how are you? it is nice to meet new people hope you consider. I am a teacher for English language and computer. I love walking , comic movies, and my computer. I am Lebanese and Australian I live in Beirut. plz send your mail to add you so we can chat. best regards

My Reply: Dear E.A., I am surprised that you teach English since you cannot form one correct and complete sentence. I am also glad that you love to walk (like the rest of us humans) and it’s great that you love your computer – I am sure your TV and radio are equally loved as well. I would have loved to send you my email address, but I firmly believe that I already know everything there is to know about you thanks to the self advertisement you just sent me. I suggest you stop copy-pasting this message to every girl on the Lebanon network and resign from your teaching job.

M.F. wrote: Do you know who you look like?

My Reply: I do not care. You look like you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

I.S. wrote: holaaa crayolaaa

My Reply: www.hopitalpsychiatriquedelacroix.org.lb Check it out – it could change your life.

A.T. wrote: Hey There,
I am A. from Turkey and gonna visit Beirut for the first time.
But i dont know anyone there, Just looking for some friends:) Maybe you can help me, what do you think?

My Reply: I think what you’re looking for is an escort service. I must admire your perseverance; instead of reserving at restaurants, you’re reserving one night stands before you reach your destination. Best of luck.

 

E.A. wrote: hi ana refi2o la reje kifik

My Reply: Is “reje” supposed to be a name? of a person? If yes, I do not know a “reje” and thank you for asking, but my eyes were much better before you sent me this undecipherable arabic-english message.

K.R. wrote: hi rita. you’re so pretty. how old are you

My Reply: How is that of any relevance? Whether I am 5, 15, or 25, do you think I would ever talk to you?

I.T.N. wrote: sweet….are u lebanese?

My Reply: Eukh . . . I feel violated. I have an eery feeling that you’ve been staring at my photo for a while and thinking some dirty thoughts, so excuse me while I go die a little.

C.S. wrote: hey pretty, how you doing ? whats the story

My Reply: The story is that you have evil parents because they made you believe you’re suave and cool. Please abstain from talking to anyone (and anything) female because you make me want to track you down and b**** slap you across your smug face.

S.G. wrote: nice photo

My reply: I know – that’s why it’s my profile picture; but do you know that stating the 

obvious is not enough to strike up a conversation? Did you also know that I’m not modest or bored enough to even say thank you? And same goes for the 95 other girls you sent this bland message to.

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/featured/facebook-freaks-be-gone/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

Vulgar Women, NOT Sexy

After watching enough video clips for some of our new Lebanese female exhebitionists singers, I have come to terms with one truth: their voice was not their claim to fame. Beauty is no longer understood. When did it become acceptable for women to parade around looking like pin up dolls who just got abused by a makeup brush followed by a wardrobe catastrophe? Are these monsters celebrities acting as role models for both girls my age and older women who cannot understand the concept of “older”? If they’re not the reason, then what’s the cause of all this vulgarity I see everywhere?
My own analysis would be that these shemales females have forgotten the difference between sexy and vulgar, so I’ve taken the liberty of writing down 10 commandments for women in this department.

Thou Shalt Not look like a Ho:

 

1. Thou Shalt Not wear leggings with a short shirt: Don’t be so astonished. It is incorrect for you to walk around wearing something so tight without covering your va-jay-jay area. Reason #1: You will have a cameltoe. Reason #2: Men will say: “She has a cameltoe”. Reason #3: Every man who sees you will have one thought – that you’re a ho. To remember this, repeat “cameltoe equals ho”.

2. Thou Shalt Not wear clown makeup: Believe it or not, make up should be discreet; i.e. it should bring out your features, not hide them under a 13 cm layer of muck. Please refrain from drawing black circles around your eyes – you are a lady, not a raccoon. Also, please try not to look like Mimi from the Drew Carey Show (pink + blue + red + green = clown = not sexy). To remember this, repeat “if my eyes do not show, then I look like a ho”.

3. Thou Shalt Not have inflatable breasts: It’s a shocker ladies, but men indeed do not like anything bigger than a natural C cup. Can you imagine a man introducing Ms. Fake ‘D cup’ to his mother? “Hey mom, meet the breasts. My girlfriend is standing right behind them.” The only thing he will introduce her to is his bed. Also, for those who have a smaller chest, please do not wear those scary push up bras for the cleavagy-ho look. Breasts cannot defy gravity and their place is below the neck, not adjacent to the chin. Every man I know finds that cheap. To remember this, repeat “What happens in bed stays in bed (including my scary push up bra and everything else that makes me look like a porno ho)”.

4.       Thou Shalt Not wear vulgar bras with transparent straps: Please enough with this “trend” already. If I had the time, I would walk into every lingerie store and confiscate them! It is so vomit-inducing when a girl is wearing a backless shirt with a bra that has transparent straps (that always look dirty for some reason). Hence, it is NOT invisible; it is nasty! I don’t care what part of the bra is transparent, say NO to the ho look. If it has rhinestones on the straps, say NO to the ho look. If it has transparent straps AND rhinestones, be sure it’s for a ho. To remember this, repeat “If I want my bra to show, I’m a ho”.

5.       Thou Shalt Not wear vulgar shoes:
Category 1: 15 inch heels: Especially if your toes are ugly. How can you know? Check your second toe; if it’s crooked and sticking out, hide it. Please make sure that walking in heels makes you look sexy; if you’re waddling as if you’re a dinosaur about to fall, cut 10 inches off your heels or stay home where no one can laugh at you. To remember this, repeat “I am a graceful lady, not a dino-ho”.
Category 2: cheap leather shoes: 1) you will be scarred with bunions for the rest of your life, 2) they are so trashy, and 3) your heel will break as a punishment from the universe. To remember this, repeat: “Shiny black garbage bags belong in the dumpster, not on my precious feet”.

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/featured/la-wlooo-vulgar-women-not-sexy/ 

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

Radar State of Mind

Watch me cry with fear jump for joy as I hear the news of the “radars in Lebanon”; a 100 kmph speed limit on highways, and a 50 kmph speed limit on inner city roads. I am one of the few people I know that has actually gotten speeding tickets in Lebanon (before the radars were installed of course). I’ve heard rumors that once I get my third speeding ticket, my driver’s license will be revoked (can anyone please confirm that for me? If it’s only a rumor, I’d love to know!). The new law involves imprisonment and/or not being able to drive for up to 6 months (oh mon dieu, can you imagine showing up at a restaurant or club in a taxi?)

While driving, whenever I hear the sound of a siren, I die a little. I fear that it could be a police car chasing after me (for speeding, for talking on the phone, for not wearing my seat belt, etc) but it always turns out to be one of the following:
a) Two police men (Frick and Frack) in their police car, feeling the need to overtake my car because I’m driving too slow (?!?!?!?) so they blast the siren and speed at 120 kmph (not even on a highway, but on smaller roads). Yes, Lebanese policemen are the ideal example of law enforcement. They are high on power trips and find it necessary to show everyone that they have mucho grande cojones (aka, big brains balls).
b) A wazwaz-mobile with the “zammour el khatar” installed in it; because the wazwaz’s dad has connections to “I don’t know who in I don’t know what”. Does anyone understand the stupidity significance of this?
c) My paranoia.

The Lebanese people, always looking for the plan B and the loophole in every situation, will not rest till they take matters into their own hands – a la libanaise. A week after the radars were installed, radar detectors were already being shipped into the country. A friend told me, “You want to speed? Speed! It will cost you a little more, but I can get you a radar detector from the states. That way you can slow down when you approach the radar.” Ok, so let me get this straight: I’m going to pay much more than 50,000 L.L. to purchase a radar detector so that I can go from 180 kmph to 100 kmph in 5 seconds (and potentially kill myself and all three motorists driving behind me) all so I avoid a measly speeding ticket? Isn’t it a bit less complicated to just abide the law?

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/news/la-wlooo-radar-state-of-mind/ 

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

Lebanese TV: Dumb & Dumber?

I’ve been asked time and time again to write about the silly shows on our local TV channels, but my answer has always been, “sorry, I can’t – I do not watch local TV.” But today, I’ll gladly name a FEW of the shows I remember watching, which made me ban local TV from my life . . . forever.

The Perfect Bride: Oh yes, I would love to watch a “reality show” about a bunch of desperate, helpless, gullible women that are being judged by their future mothers-in-law on cooking, cleaning, and every other housekeeping task that would keep their future husbands happy. Furthermore, the “Perfect Bride” is chosen by the future mother-in-law! The suspense is not over yet though; will the Amish bride to be say “yes” to the mama’s boy groom to be? To the “Perfect Maid Bride” contestants:  Are you living in the 15^th century? Do you enjoy being locked up and bossed around by your future mother-in-law for weeks just to receive your five minutes of shame fame? Are you mentally ill?

Star Academy: Well, it’s supposed to be a show for discovering new talent in singing and dancing – but where is the talent exactly? Their choreographed dance moves look more like epileptic seizures; and watching them on stage is only mildly less painful than watching a ton of bricks flying at my face. The closest I can get to describing their voices is this:  when I was younger, I used to spend my summers in my hometown up in the mountains. I distinctly remember hearing bizarre sounds like cats getting raped and wolves howling at 4 am. When my friends would sleep over, those noises would worry them; so I would comfort them by explaining that it’s the “cat rape hour”.
Friday night’s “Star Academy cat rape hour prime” brought back many memories.

The biggest Loser: I’ve never liked obese people. I don’t care if they have eating disorders, experience mental problems, or love their fried chicken a little too much. What they do to gain or lose weight is none of my business. The last thing I want to see on TV is a bunch of tremendously fat people bouncing around on treadmills and crying as they express how hungry they are to the camera (and this is because they are now eating two whole grilled chickens for lunch instead of the 15 fried ones they used to wolf down consume before). I don’t really care if I sound politically incorrect, insensitive, or mean – it’s just a nauseating sight to see. Let’s lose the 150 extra kilos privately.

LOL: I’m not really sure what the point of this show is (entertainment?!), but what really baffles me is how certain TV channels found it essential to air their own version of the show. To the producers of “LOL”: Do you think you’ve become cooler or more westernized by being so cheap and vulgar? If so, TV networks in the USA have a little something you should learn about: censorship. Is this the example you’re setting for your viewers – that it’s cool to walk around saying profanities like that out of a garbage mouth?
Breaking news: You are NOT funny; in fact, you are lame, offensive, and you’re the biggest waste of TV space. What’s sadder than the “LOL” show is the other show(s) imitating it, and what is even sadder is their empty-headed audiences.

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/news/tv-dumb-or-dumber/ 

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.

My Blackberry, My Cherie

 Nine months ago after I wrote about how the Blackberry changed my life (to the worse), I decided to pick my battles; and so I chose to disregard my friends’ excessive blackberry consumption while we’re out together, even if it meant that I would be ignored on several occasions (but still, that would give me much pleasure and time to check my Facebook and ASW notifications,  e-mails, BBM messages and status updates, MSN and What’s App messages – yes, I’m semi-retarded).

BUT, there is always that one person who irritates the life out of me with their 476 blackberry status updates and their 498 broadcast messages per day!

WHY?!

We can all go crazy ONCE IN A WHILE and feel the need to update our statuses 9 times per day, or send funny, meaningless broadcast messages to our friends; but that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about out of this world psychotic behavior. For instance, there are these 2 (more like 6) girls on my BBM list that update their statuses faster than they can  say “I’m an annoying freak of nature that must stop scaring people!”

One of them, Ms. Merry Berry updates her status every 4.5 minutes. Allow me to demonstrate:

“I am flying”

“I am flying high”

“I am flying hghh in the sky” (she realizes she made a typo and corrects it)

“I am flying high in the sky”

“I am flying so high in the sky” (it’s all about emphasis)

“I am flying so high in the sky :)”

“I am flying so high in the sky :) :)”

“I am flying so high in the sky :) :) :)” (as I said, emphasis)

Okay, I believe you!

Till today, I still ask myself two questions:

1. Does Ms. Merry Berry realize that people can see her going psycho 12 times
per hour?

2. Was I temporarily insane when I accepted her friend request?

3. How oh how can I delete her without hurting her merry, twitchy, little feelings?

To all the merry berry people out there: please tone down the creepiness (for the sake of your keypad and your self-respect!)

There’s also Ms. Scary Berry who always seems to be starring in a blockbuster horror/thriller/suspense movie:

“Oh nooooooooooooo”

“It’s sooooo bbbaaaddddddd”

“It’s sooooo painfullllllllll”

“What will I dooooooo?”

“I’m dyinngggggggggg”

“Noooo wayyyyyyyyyyyy”

“Helllppp meeee”

After my rage and exasperation subsided, a feeling of overwhelming curiosity swept over me, so I asked Ms. Hitchcock what’s wrong. She then told me that she was experiencing severe menstrual pains (privacy much?); I couldn’t help but wonder what she told her 200 other contacts that must have asked her the same question for the same reasons that I did!

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/lifestyle/cultural/la-wlooo-my-blackberry-my-cherie/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.