Facebook Freaks, Be GONE!

Almost all the girls I know have a common curse: Facebook Freaks; the guys that send us the weirdest, most irrelevant Facebook messages, with the worst English spelling and grammar mistakes. Some are funny, some are scary, some are impossible to understand; but all of them remain unanswered. Since Thanksgiving was a few days ago, I thought I’d go through my inbox and give back to all the unanswered freak messages I’ve received in 2010. Why am I doing this? In the hopes that one of these sad, lonely, retards men will read my column and begin to realize why the closest he can get to a female is the cashier lady at the supermarket.
(Please note that any grammar and/or spelling mistakes are purposely left uncorrected to maintain the essence of these men’s suave approaches. Only initials are used to maintain privacy)

 

E.A.wrote: Hi, how are you? it is nice to meet new people hope you consider. I am a teacher for English language and computer. I love walking , comic movies, and my computer. I am Lebanese and Australian I live in Beirut. plz send your mail to add you so we can chat. best regards

My Reply: Dear E.A., I am surprised that you teach English since you cannot form one correct and complete sentence. I am also glad that you love to walk (like the rest of us humans) and it’s great that you love your computer – I am sure your TV and radio are equally loved as well. I would have loved to send you my email address, but I firmly believe that I already know everything there is to know about you thanks to the self advertisement you just sent me. I suggest you stop copy-pasting this message to every girl on the Lebanon network and resign from your teaching job.

M.F. wrote: Do you know who you look like?

My Reply: I do not care. You look like you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

I.S. wrote: holaaa crayolaaa

My Reply: www.hopitalpsychiatriquedelacroix.org.lb Check it out – it could change your life.

A.T. wrote: Hey There,
I am A. from Turkey and gonna visit Beirut for the first time.
But i dont know anyone there, Just looking for some friends:) Maybe you can help me, what do you think?

My Reply: I think what you’re looking for is an escort service. I must admire your perseverance; instead of reserving at restaurants, you’re reserving one night stands before you reach your destination. Best of luck.

 

E.A. wrote: hi ana refi2o la reje kifik

My Reply: Is “reje” supposed to be a name? of a person? If yes, I do not know a “reje” and thank you for asking, but my eyes were much better before you sent me this undecipherable arabic-english message.

K.R. wrote: hi rita. you’re so pretty. how old are you

My Reply: How is that of any relevance? Whether I am 5, 15, or 25, do you think I would ever talk to you?

I.T.N. wrote: sweet….are u lebanese?

My Reply: Eukh . . . I feel violated. I have an eery feeling that you’ve been staring at my photo for a while and thinking some dirty thoughts, so excuse me while I go die a little.

C.S. wrote: hey pretty, how you doing ? whats the story

My Reply: The story is that you have evil parents because they made you believe you’re suave and cool. Please abstain from talking to anyone (and anything) female because you make me want to track you down and b**** slap you across your smug face.

S.G. wrote: nice photo

My reply: I know – that’s why it’s my profile picture; but do you know that stating the 

obvious is not enough to strike up a conversation? Did you also know that I’m not modest or bored enough to even say thank you? And same goes for the 95 other girls you sent this bland message to.

To continue reading, please follow this link:

http://www.beirutnightlife.com/featured/facebook-freaks-be-gone/

I am now writing a weekly column called "La Wlooo!!", which is a new section on BeirutNightLife.com that provides a light mockery of the silly things happening around us every day.
Don't take it seriously, after all, it is simply a breath of fresh air – stating the obvious with a bit of humor and a change of perspective.